let's go lil kitty kat....

c

u

n

'08!!!!

blogwash

the new year will mark my anniversary of bloggin
1 year...I was late to bloggin..and it happened by accident
no one in my real life has one really
isn't that odd...so one late night I happened upon
unky then started my own....
met a lot of bloggers in these 12 months

and learned a few lessons

one thang fo sho...no back tracking

i love tiffy...she comes up with the best sayings...

anyways I'm getting off topic
I started writing this time last year cuz I'd just
started dating again after an extremely sad breakup

I started writing about my experiences because
they were all so new to me . I was finding out
for the first time what passion really was
and what love was all about

also discovered how emotionally disconnected
I was which left me questioning
what I really wanted and how could I get it.
I started to analyze everything!

all the hellos and all the goodbyes

this last one was 7 months in the making
but i'm not sad or hurt..

the one before that hurt because he didn't
even try to protect me

but with the protector
we knew it would end up like this
we talked about it over and over again
we knew what we were stepping into
we took the leap anyways
no regrets

for 2008 i'm working on me
before I jump into something
that I start and can't finish
i'm working on my insides
my heart

maybe someone will step to me
I won't have to work so hard
it will just come to me

Top 5 of what I want

1. an easy buttton - got one??

2. how do you put the past behind?

3. how do you move forward?

4. let go of mistakes and heartaches?

5. where do you go from here??

He"artful" ideas....

the winter blues take control of me the minute it starts to get cold....i get lazy and all i wanna do is sleep in..when I get home from work i want to eat and get in the bed...no tv (cuz its all repeats)...i tend to knit but even that is boring me this season...so i'm looking thru my stacks and stacks of books to read something to keep me awake so I don't go to bed at 830 or 9 cuz I am guilty of that too!!

in my stack I found "Liv.ing Art.fully". One of my craft books by this craft artist named San.dra Mags.amen. its all about creating the life you imagine..I'm hip to that so I start going thru the chapters and it really lifted me out of my winter doldrums..made me want be creative again...and it made me remember that I haven't made my scrapbook calendars for my mother and ex-mother in law: read YIKES!!!

I haven't done a lick of christmas shopping so these artful christmas gifts made me smile.

- create a "coupon book"
this one is my fav...some of my fav themes
"coochie coupons" self explanatory use your imagination
"handy man coupons" if you are a guy you could make coupons for your girlfriend for a "free car wash", "free oil change", "will rotate your tires" (that could fall under coochie coupons LOL!!!
"handmade goodies coupons" - could include coupons for handbaked cookies, cakes, etc.
"maid for a day" - will vacuum, will cook, will run errands
great for moms

- create a "I Remember" book
this could be a book filled with memories of a life live with love...great for husbands and wives, etc..

- create jewelry from beads, etc.
I did this last year for my cousin and she gave them all to her co workers..the nurses loved them

- create a cd with their favorite songs
simple and in expensive and when they play it they will think of you

- create exotic scented candles
they will burn them in the bathroom and think of you

-create a recipe book
you could use all your moms or grandmoms recipes

- create a handwritten letter (more than 2 pages)
this is the simplest and the most heart felt...women LOVE getting handwritten letters. I save all of them and I've had some since college

-plant something for them
as it grows they will think of you

today I'm gonna create something with my hands and feel artful and get some of my christmas gifts out of the way.
My rule is give them something store bought and something handmade
are you an artsy fartsy??..what have you created lately from your bare hands??

tis the season!!!

u feel good?

define your happiness...

its been so many things to me at different points in my life....

first it was graduating from highschool...86 is in the mix...
then it was dating my college sweetheart...the star quarterback..to my cheerleader
then a career that kept me travelling and moving up the corporate ladder
then it was getting married...raising a family...having a home in a nice neighborhood
then it was another career, business owner and industry expert
thinking i'd finally had the dream...on steady ground..smooth sailing from here on
then I was hit by the biggest devastation in my life...divorce...how will I recover?

not easily but with hope and faith and friends and lots of shoulders to lean and cry on.
I think I'm finding my happiness again. started over from scratch. a lot of wrongs turns and mistakes and second chances
coming out of the dark closet toward the light, seeking happiness in other things, the little things, like a smile from a 3yr old child, once overlooked because I was so busy with work and my OWN STUFF.

when you don't have the big things or you lose all your material possessions you are forced to focus on the small things, the ones that really matter
quite humbling
when you have nothing else you are forced to see the love in the eyes of your family
and appreciate all the non essential things that you've been blessed with

Not always easy for me to find my happiness

woke up thanksgiving morning with a flat tire...almost ruined my day
woke up the next morning and my brakes were nearly non existent...cried
woke up the next day and didn't want to go to work....lazy
had to be reminded that work was what I wanted

I feel good most days but some days I'm still searching, tryign to define
what would truly make me happy
what am I looking for??
I used to think it was ambition..never getting stuck in THIS and NOW
always wanting TOMORROW and MORE

what makes you happy? are you happy everyday??
do you make those around you happy?? or do you bring them down with you??
are you content with where you are now??
how do you pull yourself out of sadness and discontent??

right now I'll turn on my radio and not get stuck.

funky deep....down deep...go Mr. Brown
a funky good time...that would make me happy!

turn on some JAMES BROWN!!!! he'll take u highhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-er!

I've been shown....

yes i know you
because you make my heart sore
then you make my heart soar
you make me believe I can do it all
because with me you do it all
the highest highs, but not the lowest lows
the biggest grins
from hittin' your freely given skins
sharing the whole of me
and giving it freely
because you desire it
inspire it
add fire to it
send me searching for my breath
rarely finding it

i know you
because
you are
the other side
of me

*******



have a great week coming together!!!
I'll be with my grandmama and em..eating all kinds of good food, playing spades and chillin with all my cousins!
ENJOY!!

can't go there again...

I wonder
could I stand all the love you could give me
would I ruin it
stain it forever
maybe I can only love and not be loved back
maybe it hurts too much
maybe my wounds are so deep they can't be healed
I wonder if I could even give you what you deserve
in return
can I even love you with all my heart and
stand the happiness that comes with it
what if I can't truly let go of my insecurities
I wonder if my emotions are just too
overwhelming that they should be kept hidden always
maybe I'm better off alone
maybe I don't deserve your kind of love
what if I can't handle it
don't think I can
so I run

goodbye again
for good
because this time
he let go

------

You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through somehow
I've been torn apart so many times
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart
Somebody already broke my heart

i need tagbourne

missed taking my meds and now i've been tagged...dang it!!!

by ThaL

here's 7 random...weird facts.

1) I give myself random pep talks thruout the day "gee you can do it..get up and get going "gee, its 4am go back to sleep what are you worried about what could go wrong between the hours of 4 and 6am" "Gee..don't eat that...look at your waist"
I'm my very own imaginary friend!

2) we all know about the white rice thing..I love it..eat it twice a day..Protector bought me a rice cooker and I swear I humped the box right in the store!!!!
Don't tell me if its bad for me or it has too many carbs..I don't care...I WANT MY RICE!...shut up TIffy!


3) back in 98 I was a designer for Philips Magnavox...my first product was WEBTV..wow and WTF??? I know...THAT product never caught on ... and I never got promoted! *sigh*

4) my fondest memory as a child was going to my first concert at the Kennedy Center with my moms to see Sister SLedge..."we are family"

5) oh my mom used to dance on Soul Train...HAHAHAHAH!!!

6) i was a military brat, born at Walter Reed Army Medical Center...dad fought in Vietnam and survived physically but not mentally...*sigh*

7) I have to brush my teeth at 7pm everynight if not i'll sit and eat in my bed til 11pm...but if I brush my teeth I won't eat anymore...I know I'm goofy!

I ain't taggin nobody but if you want to participate link back to me and follow the rules!!!! PEACCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


The rules of the game are:
A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Training Day...1 done 4 to go

so I'm back to work already! whew!
I was getting tired of selling myself...

It was fun to dress up in slacks that were BANGING..a pink sweater (ala Janet Jackson - whatever TIFF) and my fav pair of Mary Janes...I looked HAWT..then why they say I could've worn jeans!!!
anyways... training started today for my new job..so i'm doing a drive by post
not real estate school but damn hard..half creative/design, half technical..the technical kicked my ass but I've dusted it off and I'll dress it up again tomorrow..dayum some jeans!!!!
I love to dress up..even when I go to the airport..which has been every 2 weeks this year it seems...and I see folks in sweats and I'm always in heels...Protector always says I overdress but hey that's me!!!

more later....HOLLA!!!!

Slish I got your money..come get it! HAHAHA!!!!!

you'll see...

"wait til your damn house get outta order..listening to folks...you'll see"

and that my folks is the QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!! LMAO!!

whew!!!

so I'm following orders and getting my shyt together MAN!

my big sitting home, working half time, eating and drinking everything in the fridge and pantry, playing all day with Tiffy just ain't cutting it no mo!!!

I'm back on the block, selling myself to the highest corporate bidder..
*sigh*
been out of the rat race for 8 years now as a business owner with my lil 3000 sq. ft of american pie, selling crafts to wealthy women with nothing on their to do list but track the memories of their lil ones..seems like a dream, was living a fantasy and now that shipped has sailed, run its course...the shop is closed and I need a refill of reality.

my plate is absolutely empty right now, on e...I need something....something...can't put my finger on it..

I coveted my career, the money, the title, my fan base, the accolades, the articles..hard to give that up and become the low man on the totem pole

hopefully it won't take me long, times a wastin.

When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
then she gets plenty more, uhh

same ole dizzy hangup....

I'm the aggressor and I'm the quitter...gemini
I go after what I want, I get it... then I think of ways to end it or how it will end and sometimes I lay in wake crying about the ending before its even close to ending..even when its right at the beginning I still think of it ending...so my first defense is to give up and not even fight for it anymore, don't want to fight for anything or work hard at it all.

Its like I've become addicted to saying goodbye. Addicted to having something so good then letting it go. I keep my self in this circle of having then pushing away
or getting and then setting it free
do I feel I don't deserve it or its just a sin to have it or is he not worth it or is it just a "meaningless distraction"..
Pro you know what I mean...so why do we bother??

I don't know..the thrill of the chase?? which is so cliche but it is what keeps most of us going
and getting what we want....which ultimately ends in a bad goodbye for me

I can't tell you how many times I've been dropped off at an airport after the most memorable getaway only to have it end in a big fight ... couldn't even say goodbye
walking away from him just cuz it was never meant to be in the first place..it wasn't real in the first place, it needed to end in the first place..another "meaningless distraction"

or how many times someone has left my house that I didn't really want there in the first place...the thrill is getting them there...5 minutes later I'm already bored

this has happened to me sooooooo many times...but I think this time I'm gonna stop doing the going after, the hunter stalking her prey..any prey....not even thinking of the intake and how it will affect my body. this time, the next time i'm just waiting for it to come to me

like they said in scarface

"say goodnight to the bad guy"

Lack of REM

don't you just love it when you find a new album that puts into words all the thoughts and emotions that you are feeling right at that moment?
what album was/is it for you?

in college for me it was SADE....now its JILLY
ALL I
I've been a goody daddy,but I don’t have to be
If you don’t want me to,I’ll be your nasty baby

No time for games,no rules just play
Hope you been thinking about the same thing

I’m just sayin’what’s on my mind
It’s been good,but now it’s time
To show love what we made of

No time for games,no rules just play
I hope you want me in the same way

Every time I close my eyes
all I dream about is
making love
I can’t even sleep at night
all I dream about is
making love
It’s just all the things I see
when you’re inside of me
that keeps my mind going crazy
I can’t even think at night
all I dream about is
making love

… to you

daddy's gone
the price too high
can't afford it

bypass surgery...

you know what my prayer was last night...

..heavenly father please give me a patient heart..
see I have NO PATIENCE at all..when I want it I want it ASAP and generally
...heck almost always I go after it or I just get it or I call the right folks
to help me get it or I call the man to just get it for me but I gets it!

the one thing I can't control is my heart..

Its filled with lots of clogged components and sometimes the oxygen barely makes it to my brain causing me to jump in the arms of those that I think will save me, protect me and ultimately rescue me.

I get lightheaded with loneliness and I think "all I need is a skilled surgeon"...he'll fix me so I don't wait, I just check myself in and let his anesthesia do the work putting me in a dreamy state that I hardly remember the important things in life. For the moment the pain is numb and I allow myself to be healed {but not completely}. He patches me up at first then he pulls me down a path that is destructible. Often times I find this out too late and its hard to get out of it which causes chest pains and soon I know I'll need to reroute my emotions and all these uncontrollable impluses before I die. I don't want to die in surgery.

Thats why I need a heart that will wait. One that doesn't mind the slow
ride to succes. One that won't be settling on "what's right in front of me" or "whats available to me now". It has to be patient.

A heart filled with desire and discipline, one that can enjoy and survive
the long journey to. A heart that won't faint from the intensity of something real.

I want a heart that won't get so full, a glutton for punishment
...that won't overdose on the tainted, will take its time to the impossible
and what's meant to be - my destiny.

A heart that won't break because it loves too hard..a heart that will
balance and pace itself, a gradual increase, hanging in there for the long haul
waiting for the right one that can push thru the blockage, detour and
lead me to the finish line.

This procedure takes patience and thats something I don't have.

temperature rising...

I know I said
that I would keep it clean
but its the morning after
and Daddy's Home
my emotions could fill the superdome
he's so amazing, makes my heart leap
visions of last nights reunion
robs me of much needed sleep
can't get it out of my head
how I took him so deep

even now i want to devour him
inside my wet and juicy mouth
he's got a penis shaped hershey bar
want to lick it north and south

grant his every wish
so I awaken him with a kiss
with my tongue a faint trace
did I tell you I love chocolate?
any time and any place?

not shocked at all when like
the sun he rises
its like dick on demand
with a few other surprises
on my back and between my thigh-es

soon he flips me over
and has his way with me
filling me wave after wave
as the ocean does the sea
and he takes me there
you know where
without a thought
without a care

headboard banging against the wall
like there's a fight down the hall
nothing like that going down
just grown folk going to town

I've had my breakfast
and there's a smile on my face
need my vitamins to match his pace
damn its like the amazing race

city to city and back with him
sprinting, biking and marathon swims
need to catch my second wind
gain momentum , go with the flow
its only 5am
gotta a whole DAY to go

shut up and drive

I want to always be the 2008 Jaguar convertible on display
in the front semi circle driveway
hear all the neighbors say
ooooh and ahhhhhhhhh

Don't want to be the 1964 Vintage Chevy
that drives heavy,
that nobody sees, hidden away

I am the XK series powerful, exciting
and the most technically advanced.
You'll dream of me and my 400-hp supercharged
V8 engine that's been enhanced

zipping in and out, fast and then slow
with a close gear ratio
to move me
at the speed you desire to go
I see you checking out my features:
automatic wiper sensors and
my touch screen navigation system
I'll take you anywhere you want to linger
Just touch me with your finger...
yeah that one
and I'll take you to heaven and back
never leaving you stranded
keeping all your miles in tact

my ride is supple and controlled
Black diamond finish pearl,
I exude grace and beauty
Like my namesake I'm agile,
athletic and ready for duty

But in the right gear
I can stalk low and slow
on a midnight creep with you
watch my fog lights glow.

I'm expensive I know but its a one time fee
ride in the wind let yourself be free

Honey I'm factory fresh, hot off the press
trust me, you'll be impressed
19inch wheels all four on the ground,
so when you enter me it's from behind

You get in, fill me up,
take possession and control

hand stitched leather seats
watch them take hold
taking you on a ride
my Pirrelli's grip the road
like fingers and toes
bluetooth connectivity
just enter your code

waiting curbside purring like a kitten
nine lives, you already smitten
you'll never have to nurse me
back to life
buy me new stuff,
treat me better than your wife

I've got 5 speed manual transmission,
giving you the ability to make easy transitions

Yeah I got what every man wants,
but I'm customized for you...
me and my new car smell
what can I do for you, Boo.

who can be?

Who likes to have their ego stroked more .. men or women???
And what is ego-stroking anyways .... just flattery??

I used to think Men wanted it more but now I'm leaning towards Women...
Sure men wouldn't mind hearing sometimes how good they smell, how handsome they are, how smart they look in their suits, how proud we are of them in their careers,
how they "keep the meanest, cleanest, baddest, spinnin on stainless wheels" and that size really doesn't matter and that they are the PERFECT fit, oh and for Mrs. 1969..that they are tall enough too! LOL!

Women like alladat too but we wanna hear it all the time and from everybody: our
bosses, co workers, girlfriends, boyfriends, strangers and neighbors.

I admit I'm a certified ego-stroker NOW...and I wonder if men generally gravitate towards me because of that. I have more male friends than female and I wonder if its because I cater to men and their needs and I love to tell the men around me just how much I appreciate them and how much I'm pleased by them, want to please them and how much I enjoy their company. Sort of like that jezebel in the closet always saying the right things in the right way.
I haven't always been this way..it was certainly developed over time.
and It certainly hasn't always been reciprocated.

But what if the ego-stroking is phony?
I've been guilty of telling my ex-husband he was great in bed but he wasn't but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I stroked his ego.
I've been with men that weren't that {ahem} well endowed but I told them they were the perfect fit.

How much is enough?? and what is too much? when can it be negative...
I guess when you don't feel compelled to do it at all or when you are doing it for gain.

Because Ego-strokin doesn't just take place in the bedroom and with men and
women in relationships. It also spills over into the workplace.

I used to have only women on my staff that needed to know from me
that I appreciated and valued their work.
I had to develop ego finesse because they wanted to know
they were amazing and needed daily re-assurances
that they were creative enough to get the job done.
So constantly I had to stroke their egos in order to get the results I desired
most times it was effective and everybody was productive
but most times it was not warranted ... it was phony to get what I needed.

so who needs it more? women?
and do they do the most strokin'? I think so

and WHen does ego-strokin go too far?
Is it okay to fake it just to make the other person feel good?
cuz this type of ish happens everyday...

stay away mr. clean...

I wish you were
a neighbor
a friend
a buddy
that lived close by
that I could see all the time
and avoid whenever I needed to
and be happy with
and be sad with
listen to me
when I tell you
how so many times
I feel like such an idiot
tell you how I wish I could change
all the stupid things I say
that make all the outcomes the same
never going down a different road
maybe you could write them all down
for me so when I say something
brilliant it will be recorded
all the intelligent musings
that come out of my mouth
skyrocket them in the
air for all too see
those that don't believe
that I'm the same person all the time
all the masks just cover temporarily
I wish you could be my boyfriend
wrap your arms around me
and tell me that
I need to just be, relax and melt
that I shouldn't second guess myself
that I am my biggest enemy
I wish you could take me away
to a place
from all the things
that make me wonder
negative things that make
me cower
and color a smile on my face
permanent,
never fading
not even with a magic eraser

Expectation Level: green

Low....
he had her at RED
just realized it today
that she escalated it to
FIRE
her not him
oh he used to
he brought her there
then left her to wonder
expect too much
now she's
no longer expecting him to stay
expecting him to call
re arrange his life for her
realized today
dayum what took so long
her expectations have been
in
an unrealistic bubble
that just happened to burst today
why today of all days
like that watermelon bubbalicious
when she was a lil girl
dreaming of dreams that
seemed impossible
but he could make come true
he did
then packed them off
in a neat lil box

she let him
and she knew what was
to come
but still
the expectations were so high
knowing it couldn't last
but still all in
knowing she couldn't keep it up
wasn't that type
but still going deeper
finding out
his supply was under
someone else's demands

took her too much time to
find out
open her eyes and see
she would never be
what she expected to be
to him
that was a faity tale
fantasy in her head
not his
that at first she denied
she wanted
then took it
pulled it out
and he grabbed it back
right from under her feet
and she fell
and now today she
decides to get up
finally
with my help

ain't nobody rip it like me....

I'm the g to the g - e - e, I rock it! yes, indeed
like in the song by Tee-na Ma-reeeeeeeeeeeeeee

okay so anyways...
the fall season brings more work, more projects, more family activities, some book reading (send me my book TIFF), a DVR full of SHOWS TO watch, and lotsa knitting (I have 14 scarves to make by Thanksgiving 0 down 14 to go) *sigh*
..yes GEEGEE knits the heck out of a fuzzy wuzzy scarf...what??!!!

which brings me to this...my TOP 5 of the week

things you didn't know about geegee...

1. I have my ex's music industry nickname on the small of my back which I find extremely sexy and I don't regret it but do you think say my next boyfriend would mind seeing that??? oops!

2. I eat sticky white rice everyday!! I'm obsessed, can't stop myself...Tiffy calls me Mexican but I think I may have some Asian blood in my veins...I'm going this weekend to buy a rice cooker.

3. I knit (as stated above)..but only in the winter and only scarves if someone could teach me how to do a purse HOLLA!

4. I've been a bowling fanatic all my life...
started with me and moms mother/daughter competitions...tons of trophies...my average is about 275..haven't bowled in a few years but I can still whip that azz!!!

5. If I was a woman that digged women I'd have a serious crush on fergie..this chick is HAWT!!!

the Ally to my Kate...

so I've been getting flack from my cuz-es about my preference to dark men over pretty boys....

so I called Tiffy aka Ally to get her point of view...

she wasn't helpful but she always bring da truffffff.

me: tiffy, I prefer dark chocolate men what's wrong with that???
Tiffy: Hi and how are you, rude azz...Nothing is wrong with preference in the least. I never condemned you for them. I also OBJECT. Your unnamed ex-husband is not dark chocolate. Tall: Yes. Complexion: Mocha with crème in him.

me: I've NEVER dated someone lighter than me..and I am brown skinned, doesn't mean I'm prejudice I just get turned on by darker skin
Tiffy: First of all. You. Are. NOT. Brown in complexion. From what I see, clearly, you are bright (fair) skinned. And did you purposely go through life passing up on liking lighter men or did they pass you by, thereby causing your paths to never intersect?

Me: NO I never passed up fair men but I never went after them either...I normally go for the guys that I GO AFTER I'm a GO GETTA... if they pursue or chase me then that's a MAJOR turn off.
and pretty boy told me he was lonely...so you know that's a NO NO..he's done...

Tiffy: RED FLAG...EWWWWWWWWWWWWW ... lonely? hello?? what man tells a woman he's lonely ...you guys just met!! that is so green....anyways continue
me: you are hilarious!

anyways.. I never thought about preference til I had this one guy tell me he prefers bigger women and that i'm the smallest women he ever dated..I admit that gave me a complex at first ... made me wonder ..well how could he like me?
I've tried my damndest to stay a size 8 but he likes them more around 16 and up
should I gain some weight...NOT
Tiffy: Obviously this brother understands what it means to not be overtly prejudice in his thinking. By all means, don’t pack on the pounds for the sake of keeping the penis interested. Size 8 is a considerably healthy weight and many women would kill (or diet) to get there.

me: I know but
after 3 months of us having the best sex EVER he says I'm making him change his preferences...

Tiffy: At least he has given it some time. Three months is no overnight switch. So, did he say that the pooty-tang of the big-boned sisters was somehow better than smaller framed ones, or he just always dated healthy girls. Is this by chance, Nephew Tommy from the Morning Show we are referring to?

me: gurl I don't even know who Nephew Tommy is! you and your radio shows
he says it is nice to be able to wrap his arms all the way around me and squeeze me and i'm flexible and can wrap my legs around his waist and butt *ahem*

Tiffy: Now you are just spreading your boasting too thin *LOL*. For real though, big-boned women can’t wrap their thunderous thighs around him is what he’s claiming?

me: I didn't get into alladat, you a mess

so readers..do you have a preference?? light vs. dark....thin vs. plump...tall vs. short
do you stick to it? or are you an Equal Opportunity Dater (EOD)??

of course its deeper than this..it wasn't just his skintone..he is boring, no personality and can't keep my interest past 15 minutes...

as real as I can get....

so Mr. Organized has a post today about looking in the mirror...made me think of this song...

what you see is what you get....is this always true??

I'm trying to think do I always show all my cards in the beginning
of any relationship??...with an employer, employee, friends, lovers.....

I do hold back a lot but I also GIVE GIVE GIVE and tell it all just depends on who you are. I initally trust everyone and that's not good.

I need to find a balance...I have a blind date coming up
set up by a friend of a cousin of a friend..not my typical TYPE
he's tall and lighter than me..I prefer them dark chocolate
he's more of a pretty boy..I prefer them rough around the edges

We've been talking and I've basically told him all the mistakes I've made
in this past year of being single..mistake no. 1
I told him all the things I wanted out of a relationship...and he told me
a lot about him and his life...nothing has turned me off yet..nothing
has made me cautious ... its only been 2 weeks how much of the real him
could I possibly know...

I'm trying to give him a chance..going against what I'd normally do...

normally I'd stay in an unhealthy relationship
normally I'd chase someone that didn't deserve my attention
normally I'd entertain someone that was boring as hell

this time i'm trying something totally new for me....the new gee remember??

so we'll see where it goes I just have to remember to hold back a lil
and not put it all out there....
I have to remember to not try to take control of the situation
try not to paint this image of all the things I am or can be

I'd rather let him get to see the real me on his own and form his own opinion
I'll let him take the lead...that's a thought...

a fool to love me....

angry, upset or jealous?
pick one
his emotions not mine
his feelings not mine
hurt em before they hurt you
body no longer a recess
for hours of play
dodge ball, kick ball
slide, swing then twirl
elementary school games
time to ride a more suitable
suitor
someone dateable
in the open, free and seen
inaccessible to him
so he's mad, boy is he mad
territorial and sad
can't see my playground
filled with new ones
hopefully he'll just fade to black
the background
to wonder and ponder
it's killing him
to not have this anymore
he's dying to taste
once more
must've been a fool
to him
laughed
Hollywood type lies
and cover ups
kissed my lips
like soap opera actors
walked all over me
like an amusement park stroller
rollercoasters and haunted houses
thrill wides and shockwaves
turned in my season pass
his Queens Dominion
no more

now or later, part 1

Top 5 Things I'm finding out NOW...

I'm a lot cocky and even more insecure.

Loving myself is enough.

Its better to let people wonder.

Just because someone said it doesn't
make it true.

I love hard...(well we know that)
I love the wrong men HARD and
the right men not enough.

anything you JUST found out??

I can make you shine...

If nothing else
he has sustained me
assisted me
in finding my worth
calls me out when
I run to the ones
that didn't know
what I had to offer
only took what I gave
without any payback
because that's what I do
run to the old
perform
relinquish my soul
to the familiar
and then rush to the next one
always searching
never finding

he pleads for me to
stop sending the emails
of apologies
for what?
things I didn't do
couldn't control
i'm sorry
for what??
persecute myself
and allow others to
do the same
why?
I'm going to need
for you to stop that

still he shows me
over and over again
that i'm worthy of that
divine love
that I dream about
and hope for

why not?
he's my remote control
turning me on
with no set timer
his words burn me
his eyes see right thru me
his hands glide over
every inch of me
erasing previous
attempts at love
unrequited

my channels still turning
from new to old and
back to favorites and the last one
going in circles
he inserts in his hand
and stops the cycle
please stop doing this
can't you see the damage?

why can't I stop myself
why can't I see me
he's my mirror
the past and the future
shows me everything
the things I can't see
the things right in front of me
i'm so blind with some things
others 20/20

pulls me out of
victim mentality
turns my loose bulb
when its about to go out
ignites my flame
when the fire gets low
covers me when I'm wet
and cold
left by the side of the road
abandoned and pushed aside
picks me up

he protects me
from them
he can't from him

Mr. Education, G-Rated

me: Hey Babes...
Mr. Education: Hey, it's my favorite student! What's crackin', darlin'?
me: I need to talk to you...I was gonna quit blogging

Mr. Ed: Yeah, I noticed. Feels like when Michael Jordan retired, 'cept he didn't come back quite so swiftly.
me: I know I was gone for like what 2 days lol
I want to change my direction..any suggestions??

Mr. Ed: Uh, what's your passion, besides me? Truth of the matter is, everything revolves around pu**y. We go to work so we can get pu**y--or so that your pu**y is more desirable than the next gals. We try to hold numerous degrees and drive nice cars and live in attractive domiciles for the same reasons. We even kill and steal because of it. Even the 9-11 terrorist thought they were gonna get pu**y from 12 virgins for doing what they did. So, whatever you blog about, it all comes back to pussy, right?
me: *sigh* did I mention my direction was gee-rated? remember??

Mr. Ed: "G" for "G-spot"?
me: no, not even close
Mr. Ed: Oh. Then scratch everything I just said.

me: you are hilarious..now stop it..help me!!!!
Mr. Ed: They say humor is the fastest way to the drawers.

me: not mine...no I want to talk about relationships still..my experiences I guess but I want
it to be about other things..not so racy a lil bit sensual, diff topics.
Mr. Ed: More sensual than getting a woman wet... and inspiring her to beg you. It don't get much more sensual than that, babe.
me: no cuss words
Mr. Ed: That's cool. I never cuss anyway. There's always a better, more intelligent way to say what needs saying.

me: thank you
me: and no f words
Mr. Ed: Fat? Forensics? Florentine? Follicles? Finger Puppets? Fiona? Fallujah? Fellate?
me: and stop all the p words..eliminate vagina (and all nicknames for it)

Mr. Ed: Your blog is gonna be pretty darn boring now. Not even a "Beaver" or a "Muff" every now and then?
me: no NONADAT! no vulgarity
Mr. Ed: So, for real, why the sudden change of heart? Sounds familiar.
me: I dunno... trying to figure out why and what to do..that's why I called.
Mr. Ed: I feel you. Ooops. That's an "F" word.

me: So any ideas?
Mr. Ed: No. Not one. I'm tapped. If it ain't about sex or pu**y...
me: come on..can't we talk about other stuff??

Mr. Ed: Well, that only leaves money.
me: come on, I need help

Mr. Ed: And I need money!

me: I want to find a new relationship in my life...

Mr. Ed: You mean of your own?

me: could be with a man or a woman

Mr. Ed: Aww, sooky-sooky. Now you talkin'!
me: no, not like that, a woman friend or male companion..hang, shop, movies..travel..I always travel alone...all my friends here are staff members and my close friends are all back at home

mr. Ed: So, what you got against staff members? I've told the folks where I work that they can exclude me from any invites to happy hour, etc., after work. Why would I want to spend my free time with them. I make them laugh enough during normal business hours. If I was around these white people when they got drunk I'd proly end up breaking one of their jaws...or fucking one of them in the men's room. I mean, uh, "pokin'"!
me: I work with all women..gets boring
Mr. Ed: Damn! Is that considered cursing?
me: YES!
I want some local connections, hook ups, road dogs!

Mr. Ed: Then you just gotta make yourself available. I've found the best place to meet people is at schools (PTA, community gatherings, lectures, etc.), Porn shops (you'd be surprised at how many women shop there), local business associations...Is there a "Women in Business" type of gathering in your town? Or you could hang out in hotel lobbies and restaurants. The wait staff is usually pretty convivial, and there's always some lonely traveler up for company at dinner.
me: I'll take those into consideration..sans the porn shops

Mr. Ed: Suit yourself. I've met some of the most interesting women in the back rooms of porn shops. If you define "interesting" as being down for whatever.

me: maybe I should try speed dating

Mr. Ed: You mean where you get the drawers as fast as possible and get the hell out (or kick her the hell out) before the significant other comes home?
me: no silly, a quick meet and greet..it saves time.. you meet a lot of folks like every 2 minutes or something..its speeds things up

Mr. Ed: Oh, well then I'm at a loss. Not to rub your pretty little pug nose in it, but I've never had a problem hookin' up. All through my adult life women have come on to me, and I'm naturally inquisitive, so I'll strike up a conversation with just about anybody, male or female. I speak to everybody who sits next to me on the subway, usually taking them by surprise. I've made some cool acquaintances that way.

me: when I lived in DC I was the same way..but where I live and work now is so far away from all the good STUFF TO DO
back to speed dating..should I find a place here??

Mr. Ed: Seems contrived and corny, forced to me. But that's just from what I've seen in movies.

me: it would be all men

Mr. Ed: Not nece-celery.

me: why do you think men are my focus?

Mr. Ed: Don't know. Maybe it's 'cause you're a woman?!

me: I want a radio show

Mr. Ed: Yeah, you and Don Imus, too.

me: ha! could I interview you???

Mr. Ed: No. No way. You'd proly say I have a face made for radio and I'd have to kick your ass on-air.

me: HA!!!
you know i'm working from home now

mr. Ed: And?

me: in my pjs

Mr. Ed: PJs, or some white lacey Victoria's Secret boy shorts with a matching semi-sheer, nipple-revealing camisole?

me: gee rated remember?...good bye!

combusting at the seams...

If she was smart
she would stay away
the fire in his words
written for her
told her no one could
protect her from him
burning her inside and out

still she went to him
open heart and wounds
never fully closing
never dying off
everyone there
to piece apart
dissect her
wishing they knew her
felt the heat
her heart
not even close

no one loved her as much
as she loved them
patterns untraceable
senses numb
going blindly
just to feel something

she lets go, walks away
then back in again
deeper than before
and worst off
still she goes to him
consumed by the flame
she keeps going

The sparks in his eyes
told her he'd try
"I'll be the guard" he says
but she already knew
he couldn't tell the truth
couldn't love
it was too hot, too close
like sunburn

she closed her eyes
felt the fire
hit her skin
as she gave in

again....

out with the old gee....

I got a few emails:
wth??
what's wrong with your blog?
why am I getting jibberish?
what's with the links??

...I only responded to one person and this is what I said:
i'm in the process of deleting it,
and now blogger acting foolish,
hopefully it will be
completely deleted in a few days
I hope I don't lose anything
I had some good stuff on there
I haven't shared any of my writings
to anyone before and now and it felt good
however
(the old) geegee doesn't really fit into my real life
anymore..
I need to stop hiding behind her and
cultivate all the in real life relationships I have
that I've neglected or got bored with or
just didn't meet my expectations
I need to stop procrastinating and
finish some of the real things
I have on my plate..
figure out ways to accomplish
other goals I have in life
stop playing and lurking around blogland

I felt I was getting caught up in the lives of
of so many people I don't even know
putting all my energy into people
that didn't really know me
prolly wouldn't lend me some suger
if I needed it and are prolly
more attracted to what they
thought "gee gee" was than what
I really am, and I'm to blame
I get that
that old blog allowed me to
release a lot of creative (and sexual) tension
I had inside and it taught me a lot
about myself and what I wanted
it also made
me realize I have a lot in real life
people and things, that I need to focus on.

and the lurkers? anons??
what are they hiding?? what am I hiding?
what are we all searching for?
something that we aren't getting
in our real lives??
why look here?? for what??

a creative outlet??
an audence??
attention??
new friends??
new lovers??

I just started to question why I was blogging and it just wasn't enough anymore.


-------------------

so I'm changing my direction..don't know what or how yet but i'll be back.

the constant gardener

the constant gardener...
was that thunder?
no the sound of my heart
whilst listening to
his words...in my ears
sharp - loud
but still smooth
resonating deep
his vocals vibrate thru my phone
sending me in shocks
like a jolt
followed by a bolt
of lightening
making this flower flutter
move in the wind at his speed
shuffling me out of the dirt
but still grounded in my roots
steady but weak, falling over
he knows the nourishment
I need
gives it without warning
or nudging or prodding
sacrificing
to me for me when
I don't know what I desire
a quiet storm, unexpected
should've prayed for this
but didn't know it existed
his air makes me breathe
follows me
life
it pours into me
my middle, my stems
sway to his fertilization
my fruit absorbed by his mouth
no longer wilted but standing strong
no longer stomped and pushed to the ground
his seed
grows me

honey got a problem...

didn't realize
she had a one
til she sat
the wine glass
on her nightstand
and found
2 empty glasses
already there
from the night before
and the night before

turning into her mother
hers was vodka
odorless and colorless
and men
smooth and loveless

she didn't stop til she burned
down her new kitchen
in her new custom built house
on the beach
fire dept woke her up
laying next to him
cooking for him
they didn't realize the fire
til they were saved

what will it take for *her*
doing this everynight
hers was merlot
dark, almost black
used to be pills
1 then 2 then 3 at a time
the sleeping kind
can't be normal
someone else's
reality??
shutting off the brain
acts disappearing
the words
the images
in her head
blurry for the moment

uptight
stressed
husband got fired??
kids failing school??
overwhelmed at work??

then quit
slow down
turn it off
for that night
or 2 or 3
she can't move
think
or cry
she closes her eyes
and waits for it
to come back