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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

same ole dizzy hangup....

I'm the aggressor and I'm the quitter...gemini
I go after what I want, I get it... then I think of ways to end it or how it will end and sometimes I lay in wake crying about the ending before its even close to ending..even when its right at the beginning I still think of it ending...so my first defense is to give up and not even fight for it anymore, don't want to fight for anything or work hard at it all.

Its like I've become addicted to saying goodbye. Addicted to having something so good then letting it go. I keep my self in this circle of having then pushing away
or getting and then setting it free
do I feel I don't deserve it or its just a sin to have it or is he not worth it or is it just a "meaningless distraction"..
Pro you know what I mean...so why do we bother??

I don't know..the thrill of the chase?? which is so cliche but it is what keeps most of us going
and getting what we want....which ultimately ends in a bad goodbye for me

I can't tell you how many times I've been dropped off at an airport after the most memorable getaway only to have it end in a big fight ... couldn't even say goodbye
walking away from him just cuz it was never meant to be in the first place..it wasn't real in the first place, it needed to end in the first place..another "meaningless distraction"

or how many times someone has left my house that I didn't really want there in the first place...the thrill is getting them there...5 minutes later I'm already bored

this has happened to me sooooooo many times...but I think this time I'm gonna stop doing the going after, the hunter stalking her prey..any prey....not even thinking of the intake and how it will affect my body. this time, the next time i'm just waiting for it to come to me

like they said in scarface

"say goodnight to the bad guy"

14 comments:

B. Good said...

"addicted to saying goodbye"

Thats kinda deep, GeeGee. I got stuck right there. I gotta stop and ponder on that for a minute.

Tha L said...

aahhh....the chase is the challenge. but then comes the rest. i don't know if it's addiction...sounds more like fear to me. self preservation. better you than me type stuff. at least, that's what it is for me...i do it all the time sis.

Mahogany Brown said...

I'm not exactly sure this fits entirely, but I was reading this earlier and it sounds like there may be a little of this at the core of your issue. I don't know. It certainly struck a cord for me...

LoveMyselfFirst said...

it's called the thrill of the chase.. you sound like a true gemini.. actually a lot of men are like that too, as you probably know.. it's all about going after your goal, trying to reach the forbidden fruit.. but once you get it, the thrill is gone.. and you want to feel that excitement and feeling all over again in a new venture.

Pro' said...

Twin's got the love that goes round and round... You ought to be dizzy, minus the blonde of course. Distraction? Yes. Meaningless? Hardly. It's what we live, hope and dream for. Sike. But a wise little birdie told me on more than one occassion, "Find something to keep you occupied. Anything." No hangup about that. I'm just glad you are on my sideline while I sit on the ride, getting sick from the dizzy. Then I hop off for a spell and you in turn vomit from the thrill. It's a sick cycle. I'm your vicarious twin, however, I don't clean up throw-up...NO MORE WIRRRRRE HANG'AS! This is your Mommy Dear, speaking.

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

b whats good?? *wink*
the L..self preservation sounds about right
Curves...thats a great article "thrilled but not happy" now that's deep
lovemyselffirst..that's true cuz a lot of times i'll met a guy and say DAMN he's just like me!
thanks for stopping by!

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

TiffyI'm getting occupied...I'm throwing myself into work again..its what I do best..keeps me outta trouble cuz hangin wit ur azz.....to be continued *wink*

Mr.Slish said...

Didn't I tell you to keep our business off this blog....If you had let me slap you on the ass I woulda said Good bye...lol

Royce's Daughter said...

addiction is a disease and I suffer from the same strain as you. It's tragic really because we allow happiness in love to allude us merely because we are preparing for goodbye at hello. I pray about this often...that God will give me the courage to stop running. I will pray for you too Sis!!! Keep your head up...

Royce's Daughter said...

Slish...you're an azz!

Lyrically speaking said...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Miss Gemini, I don't know how you do it but you do it well, lol...i'm sure you enjoy it though regardless

Blah Blah Blah said...

...so i'm reading you right...
...and well...i thought you had been up in my business since you are obviously writing about me right...

...i've said goodbye 4 times this month...and he's not letting me self-sabatoge... i'm thankful for that but...still scared as hell...i'mma see if i can do this.
single is a beautiful thing when you want multiple...

Sojourner G said...

Perhaps when you find something you believe is real, beneficial, long lasting and more importantly, yours without reservation, you'll guard it and protect it with your life and NEVER let it go.

Fear of abandonment seems to be driving you.

Love you first and you will be amazed at how loveable you become.

As for airport drop offs and successful home acquisitions followed by boredom and good-byes, vicious cyles are just that, vicious. Reserve your plane trips and access to your hallowed home (and body) for the REAL thing.

Just my two cents.

Sojourner G said...

Yes, after months, I gave into the temptation.