Monday, February 23, 2009

baggage left...finally...

"My foolish heart was broken
when he left us in the cold.
Now I’m left to fix the pieces."

Exactly how I felt 3 years ago when my ex husband left us for 8 weeks and then ultimately for good to be with another woman. We absolutely lost everything without the energy to put up a fight.
Didn't think I would ever get over that. Somehow I did, I had to, had no choice.
I think if there was a build up, if we had a horrible marriage, some kind of warning then I would've been prepared for the inevitable , I thought I had the epitome of a stable marriage til the air was knocked out of my stomach. I kept asking "What did I do??" In the past I
looked down at women that complained about their husbands and had men on the side.
I was in it for the long haul. I made my bed and I was comfy and cozy in it.
Until the day I found out he wanted out and had already spent a year working on another relationship. and to think I was so happy to be married to him , thought I had my whole life figured out. WOW!
I didn't know any better.
Getting back at him was never a goal for me. I was too numb for revenge.

The best revenge is her calling me asking me to help her with him. HUH?? The problems you guys are having I never had with him. I listened anyways. She talked about how controlling and evil he is with her. He was never like that with me. Please don't call again for advice as I have none. Goodbye to you both.

Back then I was in survival mode and that's all I thought about. I kept my friends and family on the outside and all of my pain in the inside. Until recently.
Now a commerical, a tv show, something the kids will say, or this song will bring it all to surface. Right at a time when love has found me again all the pain is seeping out. Purging to make room for something deeper and pure.
I went thru so many years of being quiet that I didn't feel or voice anything about my divorce.
I pushed it to the bottom of my soul. The minute I started to feel again, The minute I started to love again all of my barriers melted away and all the baggage came rushing around.
As I was loving him I was hating the him of my past. I love you in one conversation to I can't talk to you ever again in the next conversation. Emotional rollercoaster all day , every day.
Love and hate. Wore them on my sleeve everyday. How exhausted I was.

A few months ago I finally said "is it me, something I've done that makes you treat me this way" and he simply said "no , you've done nothing" and with that I was able to let it all go. Just like that. It wasn't me at all. I forgave him. I forgive myself. Enough is Enough. I'm done.
I wasted so much energy these past few years that I will never get back but I'm enjoying the new years I'm making with a light heart and less pain.
I'm sure every now and then something else will take me back down memory lane and all I have to do is look to my side or look in front of me and see all the love I have all around me.

"I won’t let you keep (keep) hurting me, if you gone keep causing me pain."

Monday, February 9, 2009

doctor, doctor...

Thats exactly why folks don't be like going to the doctor on the regular.
They always be finding shit!

I push my fam, friends and coworkers to go
get check ups, be proactive!
but its been a year since I've taken my own advice

I'd had warning signs for month
tight jeans, headaches, racing heart
and always TIRED..so doggon TIRED all the time

So I knew I needed to go

SO First I call my female doc you know my gyn
I was a new patient cuz of new insurance
so they wanted to check everything!
mammogram - check...
annual inspection of the love below - check BUT
they want to retest some shit
Internal Med Doc
they checked urine, heart, blood pressure
My blood pressure was borderline hypertension
and I'd gained 15lbs!!!
Then we talked about my family history
DAMNIT if every member of my family had something!!

diabetes, stroke, breast cancer, tumors YOU NAME IT

I didn't even tell them about my alcoholic uncle
that would've been TOO MURCH!
SO after all that they order
glucose tests, stress tests
Eye doctor..need contacts and glasses
Then the dentist
3 filings DAMN!

So I've been ordered to stop caffeine, exercise, watch salt intake and stop stressing!

I still have a few more followups over the next few weeks
In the end I will have peace of mind (or I will be worrying more)
but at least I will know what is going on and have a plan of action
I want to LIVE!
I gotta be healthy to work, provide for my fam and love!

How are you in the health dept? Are you taking care of your body?
How do you overcome your fear of the doctor??

My aunt hasn't been in 5 years she's 58 saying "You are okay til you see a doctor"

I be damn if she ain't right!

Doctor, doctor, what's going on?
Can you tell me what's going on?

Friday, February 6, 2009

catch and release...{repost from pchats}

Hard to put into words the way he makes Ms. Kitty purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We were just chillin I think, surfin' the tube
when he reached for our secret drawer
..looking for the lube.
"Wait...we don't need any" - I see his mind thinking.
"I want you to make me wet" I whisper (my way of hinting)
he starts
Spreading my legs and cupping my thighs,
ready for action my clit doubles in size,
with long licks and short flicks
he eats me like its his last supper or
one of those blow pop suckers.
and I'm thinking
"how did I score this one" and
"where did he come from"??
He's the Champ, and the G.O.A.T still hitting pussy homeruns.
with me
My legs are pressed against his ears
I'm clinching my fists, close to tears
his face has completely disappeared
into me
all over me,
and with me
and thru me
and I feel my juices tricklin' down my ass,
Its so slippery, and I'm moving so fast.
beggin him
just fuck me put me out of my misery,
I can't take it
I'm lost at sea
he's not giving in...
"let me finish" geegee.
so I lose my breath
as I feel it building up
and this time I can't stop,
it slowly erupts
I know it will be a strong
still shocked
at how intense
So shocked I start laughing
and crying,
does that even make sense??