Monday, January 28, 2008


from day to day..in limbo
trying so many different things that aren't working out
so what do i desire?? what should I be focusing on?
my life used to have so much direction..or did it?

When i was younger my dream was to get married
and have kids and work a job I loved!

so i drifted from single status to marital
i got so settled and comfortable
then my partner drifted out
so I switched my focus to a NEW dream

to own something ... in my name only
something I could nurture and make a success
Secure my/our future
sweat equity
drifted from housewife to business owner

when I look back on these things I don't remember
the challenge and the struggle I just remember I made it
happen, somehow, someway
my mind was clear
I knew exactly what I was doing

now i'm just confused
shakenwhats my next move??
i'm hope that this will also
look like a walk in the park on a sunny day
once I get on the other side and look back at it
but for now it seems every door
i get the courage to walk thru
and turn the knob and settle in
i end up finding an empty room

want to get out of this cycle
want to open the door and get thru
come out on top
but I'm scrambling
mind all over the place
cuz I just don't know where to start


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

thanks daddy

wow my dad has always been special but his attitude regarding family is such a downer

sheesh i called the WRONG person tonight

me: hey daddy
him: hey baby..what's up
me: oh i wanted your advice on something
i'm thinking of moving closer to my family (mom's side)
him: why..your mother is crazy baby
me: huh? she doesn't even live there she's in wilmington
i'm thinking of going to greensboro
(with all my aunts (4), my close cousins, my grandmother, etc.)

him: family is the last folk i'd try to move next to
me: huh? (cracking up, asking myself is he serious?)
him: shit living next to strangers is scary enough
family will really treat you like shit
me: what?
him: c, my family is screwing me a new asshole
over this property

(he owns 100+ acres in georgia (also tons of properties in
florida)...and since he's retired his brothers and sisters are
suing him for a piece of it...to make a long story short)

anyways he's bitter..and now I see just how much

me: but daddy i've been to close to my family since i was
baby we've never had any drama..i think it would be a nice
change for me
i moved here 11 years with alex, i've sold my business
nothing is keeping me here now
him: well damn a family...what if they stab you in the back?
what if they move away
me: *blank stare*
i'm sorry you are going thru this with your siblings
but my moms family is different
him: yeah but your mother is crazy

my mom moved to dc, met my dad while working at the state dept.
he went to fight in the war and later they divorce cuz he had issues
and he calls her crazy??

me: wow
him: you might as well move back to dc
me: no its too expensive
him: well damn i can't help you
if you move closer to your family
and the shit hits the fan then don't call me
family will screw you please don't do it
me: we're close daddy it may be the support i need right now
him: shit thats why i walk around with my shotgun now
my damn family
i'm protecting my farm from my family not my neighbors
me: okay daddy i didn't want help just advice
him: well i'm advising you to stay where you are now
me: ok daddy
him: don't worry baby
i'm due to win the lottery any day now
its coming and i'll send you some money
me: speechless again *blank stare*
okay daddy i'll talk to you soon
him: love you
me: i love you too

why do grown folks think "playin their numbers"
is the answer to all prayers???

did i mention my daddy fought in vietnam
he's a lil crazy but i'll always be
daddy's lil girl

.....................................from a distance


Monday, January 14, 2008

restricted area...

i try
i really do
to try to find something
wrong with you
in love
with the wrong man
too short
too tall
too skinny
too fat
made perfect
in my eyes
he was worthy
i was not
so i looked for fault
to free myself
to let go
to cut the strings
that were
choking me
squeezing me
from my veins
this love
too controlling
too convincing
too understanding
too devastating
want to find flaw
when you listened
how you comforted
want to find strength
when you rescue
can't find myself
lost in you
hopeful and so untrue
must bend in a new
function alone


Friday, January 11, 2008

18 vs. 40

why come i gotta be
a cougar
cuz i'm crushin on
chris brown
he's literally shoved
down my throat on the
radio, tv, utube....
my cousins crib
can't escape
the lovey dovey

i'm saying i'm almost 40
I look almost 30
looking for someone almost 20
he's 18


Top 5: cougar-isms
1. 40+
3. mentally stable
4. financially stable
5. in control

know one??

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

catch 22

didn't take my meds..tagged again..by krush - wouldn't be proper blog etiquette if I ignored it..lol

Two Names you go by:
1. gee double
2. gee unit

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. brown sweats
2. pink striped top

Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:
1. no fear of expression
2. kindness

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Eat
2. Eat while surfing

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. new truck
2. vacation (all expenses paid)

Two pets you had/have:

Two people you think will fill this out:
Imma not tag nobody

Two things you did last night:
1. knitted
2.went to bed early

Two things you ate today:
1. bagel
2. rice, broccoli, chicken

Two people you last talked to:
1. mom
2. Tiffy

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. washing my hair
2. chillaxin {i'm boycotting work}

Two longest car rides:
1. atl to dc
2. nc to atlantic city

Two favorite holidays:
1. christmas
2. valentine's day

Favorite beverages:
1. cranberry juice
2. diet pepsi

Person no longer alive who you'd like to talk to:
1. marvin gaye
2. luther v.

Nobody knows what I go through
Indecisions made me passive
hey say I want my cake and I want to eat it too
ess satisfied if I don't, consequences when I do

Monday, January 7, 2008


so what is proper blog etiquette??

when is it okay to leave a comment?? only after someone has commented on yours??

how long do you lurk before commenting?? do you just lurk on some blogs and never comment?

when do you add people to your blogroll?? after they've added you, after they've had x amount of comments on your blog??

how many crushes is too many blog crushes?? LOL

this month marks my 1st anniversary of blogging and I still feel new to the game....I have a lot of blog favs and I comment as much as possible and some are on my blogroll but blogland does seem very clique-ish to me still.

I wonder if I've broken any rules. I added, subtracted and re-added folks to my blogroll over and over again. Most folk are there just cuz I enjoy reading their blogs and its fine that they never comment here. Most folk are there because they do comment here and I appreciate that. and most folk are here because i'm on their roll.

and some people I read I want to keep private (don't want anyone else to know about them) lol

i know one site in particular I've commented a few times but did not get that welcome vibe so I never went back....partially because I wasn't a member this invisible club and maybe she didn't want me there...i felt the icy cold and now I just lurk...why?

isn't that so high-school-ish?? are there really blog snobs??

How do you feel when you leave comments but the host never responds to your comments??

and what about the lurkers...read but won't comment..so why read..why not say something?? anything?

if you've ever felt unwelcomed here..email me!!!

i've been getting 75-100 hits aday with only a few comments..maybe I need to find something else to talk about... maybe I should just post photos

that's so blog-ish! why??

do you have any friends in your real life that reads your blog?? I have 2 and it causes problems and sometimes I censor

some people just can't know your every thought....why?

Saturday, January 5, 2008

what chu know??

Hollywood is such a game..part 2 (oh i'll post part 1 another day) its still on my phone..

n e ways...

I'm such a celebreality junkie! damn!
I wish I wasn't but I am
I love reading about their lives,
their kids, their fuk ups, their triumphs.
Somehow I feel like I'm some distant
cousin following their careers so that
when I see them at grandmamama's
and 'em at Thanksgiving I'll be up-to-date
but alas they are not my cousins and we've
never shared turkey, stuffing or
sweet potato pie.
Still my thoughts stay glued on them.
How do they make it thru each day
living under a microscope? Every flaw
magnified 100x..I'd crack, I really would
I mean everyday to see and hear something
negative being said and written about you over
and over again...and most of it is lies and
exaggerated...I realize
but still its gotta piss you off most times if not all!

I would have to create yet another personality
{I have too many as it is} but for real...I'd be like
Beyonce vs. Sasha...cuz then I'd be like
"they talking about her" her being the stage personality
not me..the real me...Those are Sasha's clothes sewn by momma,
her lace front , her shoes that are fierce...
me? i'm just regular bey bey...my hair is thin
and I have split ends just like errybody else.

to be real.

yeah that helps me sleep better at night.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

caller id

does distance really make the heart grow fonder
or does it makes the heart wander

i wonder if it gives you
too much time to think
or too many moments
that are weak

left to your own
would you be naughty
or nice

act on every impulse??

have you ever done something
when you thought no one was looking??

i'm not talking about dancing nekkid
in the mirror?

sort of like a man leaving his wife
alone to take a cruise and
then she finds her soulmate
and never returns to him
been away too long
forgot what he meant to her

a life long cruise..
who needs that??
do you want that

an escape from your life

is anyone ever 100%

who tells everything??
says everything??

do you really want to
know the whole truth

you can't handle the truth!!!

sometimes too much
is too much
I'd rather not know
like the news
don't wanna know
don't wanna see

rose colored glasses

gimme sum!

i wanna see the positive in everything
want you to see it too
optimistic view
if you don't get a job
maybe God's protecting you

you can't see everything
coming your way
you gotta wait for it
the unknown