Sum of a Man...

Naturally when I'm single I daydream of lovers past and MAN! I've loved some beautiful men in my life, and I miss a little part of each of them.
I'm thinking right now...wouldn't it be nice to have them all in one man RIGHT NOW!!
Let's seee...
there was my protector, the writer..man his words would flow like liquid. Instant panty dropper! Not only that he was such a great spiritural advisor and counselor to me, I would cry on his shoulders for hours and he'd always have a solution. and when our time was up he fought for me over and over again. Sweet Temptation should be his nickname because our lovemaking was the best ever..so magnetic and everytime was a good time..orgasms after orgasms for days and nights at a time over and over again. we didn't have any reservations at all and we tried everything. (almost)
I don't think any other man would say I was as a great a lover as I was with him. He was a Sag..he was great with money and I was his student!

then there was the sweet as honey one. He was also my twin, my mirror..i saw the good and bad in me, in him. We had a lot of fun together. Damn he smelled good!
he was always with the "hey sweetie, hey baby" which I loved because I never had that before...The thing I love about him was that he was just so NICE..too nice almost. But at the time I need that we had similar personalities so we GOT each other. I needed affection and love and he gave me that.
he was so even keel and hardly even raised his voice. We didn't argue much and he didnt' start fights.. He didn't show his emotions at all really. But I miss that I could snuggle against him and feel so relaxed and warm in my heart..a truly great love.

oh there was the young clever one, from my home town, my crush, that showed me how great it feels to please someone...our fling didn't last long and we didn't see each other often but when we did I felt like I pleased him and left him satisfied. It pleased me to be around him and show him just how much I wanted him. He was the biggest flirt and I always felt wanted. I wasn't unselfish with him at all. Always the giver. He was a great writer also and I loved reading his words. He was also a music lover like me. Now that I think about it we did have a lot in common. It didn't go beyond a friends/fling/crush tho ..wasn't meant to be anything more than that. *sigh*

Then there was the virgo, my husband and best friend, a great father but ended up as a horrible husband in the end. However, we were great business partners and he had great ambition and drive. We started so many businesses and wrote so many plans for the future. We could dream up anything and make it happen. He is always hustling in his career and I still admire him that about him. I can never call him lazy thats for sure.

I often think of the guy that was such a great dancer that I would walk away from him trembling. I often think of the guy that was so spontaneous we'd just jump up and go. I didn't have to worry about anything he'd take care of all the details. I think of the guy that loved to travel and we had many adventures together. I sometimes think of the body builder that had the best body was the most healthiest of them all. We had great workouts together.
All come and gone...but they've all made me realize sometimes I truly want and never knew I wanted them.

I want a great lover, full of wisdom, thats healthy, that has a way with words, is ambitious, smart, loving, kind, tall, dark and handsome, is a go getter, a great lover ( did I say that), creative, loves music, is patient with us, has faith in us, protects me at all times and loves me for me..quirks and all...I am a gemini so there are many quirks! and I want all of this to come naturally!

I want the sum of all the men that have touched a little part of my life and captured a space in my heart.

Is that too much to ask??

slowly, surely...

If he never lifts his hands to meet my touch
If he never stretches his arm to meet my hugs
If he never leans in to meet my kiss
If his outsides never meet my insides

does he ever really feel me?


"i just don't know, where i should go, so, slowly, surely, I walk away from love"

Mal(e) Nutrition...

He keeps me waiting...
on his call,
on his words,
on his smile,
on his kiss...on my lips
He keeps me wanting....
his touch
his tongue
his arms
his hands...on my hips

my insides (and outsides)
are in a constant state
of not having enough
longing, always hungry
my heart wants to be full
overflowing
and running over, satisfied


"I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees"

Peeling the Bandaid...

I'm finding that letting go is actually a science and takes months, sometimes years of practice (and patience).

You can either do it quickly without ever looking back like I did successfully when my marriage ended a few years ago or you can do it slowly and painfully like a rollercoaster ride going thru ups and downs, jerks and turns, highs and lows until finally the bandaid just falls off unexpectedly because of the dirt, pain, sweat and tears. Suddenly it just lifts off and you realize you've finally let go.

Breathe. Its sad but it will be okay but you first have to go through a series of feelings and emotions before you can appreciate the experience.

Stage 1: First you feel like WHEW! I've made a decision! Its been a long time coming. I must put an end to this!! You feel a since of relief like a weight has been lifted. You feel like your life will be 10x better once this chapter in your book is closed. You are better off!! You will now grow and make some moves and be great!!

Stage 2: After a few weeks after the connection has been broken you start to miss the very thing you tried to separate yourself from. You try filling the void with everything you know how. Nothing seems to work!
You start to second guess your decision thinking you've made a mistake.
You may even revisit those feelings again and try to ignite them again. You go back and forth "should I", "Maybe not"? The situation quickly turns STICKY! Just like a bandaid, you take it off to see if its healed, then you put it back on to see if its gone away, then you pick at it seeing if you feel anything, then you close it back up.

Stage 3: It starts to hurt. You may even cry over your lost. The medicine has worn off. You keep trying to remind yourself the reasons you wanted to move on in the first place. Aren't you happier now?? This is the most crucial stage. You have to fight through this. This is the crucial time when infection may occur like guilt and resentment because you couldn't make it last.

Stage 4: You start to look for a temporary fix. You can't stand the pain anymore so you go back into the fire. It could give you that false sense of security that everything is gonna be alright. It could even be magical. But in reality it may just be a long drawn out goodbye kiss. Is it worth it??

Stage 5: The time and space in which you connect (kiss goodbye) get farther apart and more infrequent. And time away is the only thing that lifts the bandaid. You have to actually leave it alone. Do not revisit it, do not scratch it and then finally it pulls away and you realized you've finally moved on and let go.

You still may have a scar but thats just a reminder of what once was. Smile when you see it....no tears.

get me bodied....

Week 4 of full court press in the gym...and I'm in a groove!

I'm really seeing a difference..mainly in my arms and legs..I need to get more concentrated on my mid section!

I've been doing 5 days a week so far and its hard on my injured knee but I can feel it getting stronger and not as fatigued as it used to get..

so my schedule has been :
1 day with coach on the circuit weights
1 day cardio kickboxing
1 day of zumba (dance)
1 day weights and step interval
1 day of Power Pump (weights with bar, ball, and other props I'm so uncoordinated with)

Of course I mix this up, can't do the same thing everyday!

So far this works out for me and what I'm trying to do.

My goal is not to get thin but to get toned and lean and lose my TUMMY!

The thing is the more I work out the more I want to eat and YOU can not eat everything in sight just because you are working out! Its tempting but DON't do it!!!

I've tried to eliminate rice and other white enemies but its soooooooooooo hard.

Also my HAIR is becoming a problem...washing it almost everyday its getting old. and because I wash it everyday I gotta color it more...the grays have taken over.
I'm trying to not let this discourage me but it is a pain in my ASS.


I hope I can keep all this up once I find a job. Or maybe I'll just become a permanent stay at home mom that watches the soaps and hits the gym religiously!!

nah..can't afford to and I'd go stir crazy!!!

In the meantime (and between time) I'm handing in there, watching what I eat and taking tons of before and after photos but most of them are half naked so I can't post here..

but here's one of me taken last week


check those arms yo! no underarm FLAB baby!!


"there goes my babyyyyyy...."

Difficult Men...Don't make it easy for them!!

All weekend I've been reading this book I got from the library for 25cents!
Check it!
Dealing with Difficult Men by Judith Segal, Ph.D.

I thought it would be cheesy and bought it more for the shits and giggles of it all (and the price) because I really don't have difficult men in my life except if you count my ex husband. :/

Its not the typical "hate on men" type of book - its more, how to deal with difficult men "effectively and in doing so allow yourself to appreciate and really enjoy the 'good' ones".
Neat huh??
"Dealing with stressed, confused, manipulative, and in some cases, seemingly unconscious men takes skill, knowledge , experience and resilience."

The author first describes the Difficult men categories.

She says " difficult men seem to have 3 characteristics in common"

1) They either hide opinions, feelings, or they push them on you in a not so clear, direct, open or honest way;
2) They either totally withhold their feelings, totally unaware that they have feelings or they blast their feelings in an out of control way - 'emotional Neanderthals' she calls them;
Or
3)They either control you with their passive behavior or they are bluntly aggressive and show signs of being control freaks.
ding, ding, ding...That's my ex...:/

And this is all in Introduction...

The book then continues with:
The Dealing with Difficult Men plan.

I love it!!
So with my blue highlighter in hand I cozied up to see what I could learn.

And of course I had to share. This will be a series because the books has 7
inspiring chapters!

Chapter 1) Men are difficult and we allow it. (with sections like "Men like it This Way and "are you a difficult-man magnet")
2) The Lineup. Talks about all the diff types of men (with sections like "the powermongers, the admiration hounds, the nurture needers and about 10 other different types)
3) The Party Is Over (with "Choose to be on top for yourself" and "Power is not a four letter word")
4) Skills for Thriving. (Putting it all together : Problem Solving)
5) Conflict Savvy. When to speak up and when to clam up
6) Coping with Negative Reactions. How to deal with testing.
7) Get used to success!!

Whew!!!
Rolling up my sleeves!

Tell me....
What's the ratio of frogs to princes in your life??

After this...

He will
Miss me before we meet again
Kiss me before I expect it
Gaze at me before I twirl
Guess my scent before I snuggle
Touch my knee before its near
Turn off his phone before it rings
Hug me before the pain
Say he loves me before its heard
Beg me to stay before I have to go
Chase me before I turn to run
Show his excitement before I'm naked
Take it before I serve it
Embrace me before I cry

Give me his all before I die.

Gemini Girl's Bday wishlist

6 weeks and counting....

Already working on my WISH LIST...

SO FAR I WANT....

A bedroom makeover...I want a new mattress, headboard (that I want to make myself), new sheets, spreads, pillows...the whole works. I want the colors to be Bright and bold ! Reds, Yellows...

A NEW SEXY RED DRESS...Since my body is getting TIGHTER I need to show if off..I think 6 weeks is enough time to lose the love handles, muffin top and the back fat....

KILLA LIPSTICK...mac w/ Hello Kitty..the colors are fantastic!

NEW RED SHOES.....I've been lusting over these by Brian Atwood..so sexy!

New Pots and Pan..I know to you that may seem boring..but I need and want some SO BAD!!!

and I would be remiss if I didn't mention a new Coach bag..been my obsession for 20+ years....#80sbaby

Now I just need a sponsor (or a dayum job)!!! whatever

Taken by storm....

They met like they did every weekend only this time it was in the middle of a tornado warning. She drove thru hail literally to get to him. On the way, in her head, she planned out everything she would say to him -how much she missed him, how much she wanted them back together, how she was sorry for all the mistakes she'd made, but once she got to him she felt the distance and the hesitancy so she pulled back and immediately felt rejected. He asked if she wanted to grab something to eat. Defeated she lowered her head, said NO and grabbed for her keys.
The winds pick up outside and under her skirt. She ran to her car, pretending she had somewhere to go and he let her politely, as always, run.

While driving back north, to home the rain became even heavier and she could barely see out her window, thru her tears, she dailed his number anyways.
"How can you be so insensitve to my feelings? How can you let this go, Where is the effort??
He asked her to pull over, at the underpass, he was following her, parked behind her, she moved to her passenger side he was at her door already. Her heart was beating as loud as the thunder was pounding and her eyes closed and the lightening struck overhead. The cars crept by them as he slid off her panties and slid into her tight wet place that had not been touched in months, she never stopped crying thru each stroke. She even felt his tears on her shoulders with each thrust. Suddenly the rain stopped, he pulled out and off back into the highway.
Everything was still.
No rain, no tears.
Peace.
She finally knew it was over.

Empty...

Fasting
cleanse me
of past
residue
film of
angst
Feeling
release me
with song
resonate
deep within
heartache

gee you bedda work it out....

Well dang..everybody is on the health kick!! I'm so happy to see all my friends eating better and working out...we need to take care of ourselves it so important for our minds and spirits. I'm jumping on that bandwagon too cuz shit I don't want to be left behind..and be the only fatty in the crowd!

I won't say I've never been on it but its been a minute..for me it started in college..I was the tall skinny girl (all my life) and never worried about working out or what I ate til I signed up for cheerleading. Our coach was a FITNESS FREAK! she made us count every single calorie we consumed and we had to take a body and muscle class and we all gained so much from her because I still remember all that stuff.

It was hard but I stayed a size 4 til my wedding day in 1997. My cinderella gown fit perfectly... I looked beautiful on my horse and carriage with my glass slippers...and...
okay i'm getting off topic.

back to working out...
so I was a size 4, got married then started reproducing and my tummy and my boobs started to spread..now I don't mind my 38C cup but the tummy has GOT to go...so in 2004 I joined a gym and got back into it..then like a dummy got pregnant again!!!

then I lost it again, then fell in love and gained it all back and now today I'm looking 6 months pregnant ...NO JOKE! I can now SQUEEZE into a size 8 jean and thats what I want but I want to be a slim and trim size 8 not a "My muffin top runneth over jeans size 8"
(don't laugh)
So like everybody else I'm starting to take action against the FAT!
I joined my local YMCA, its so freaking expensive that we only do it in the summers just for the camps and the pools but this time I actually signed up for a coach and ERRRRRRYTHANG!!!! I took one step/kick class and it KICKED my ass!!!

I meet up with my coach this weekend to go over my goals. He/She will weigh me, discuess my goals and map a plan so I can meet my target?? I'm not sure this will be my first time doing something like this.
I will have to do weight training, cycling, etc..and its all being tracked electronically and the results go to the coach so each week they can see if you cheated or not and if you are making progress.

In the meantime I'm taking a Pilates class today and a Body Pump class tomorrow and we kick off BOOT CAMP on Saturday!

GO ME, the NEW FIT GEE!!!!

Work It Out

Beyonce | MySpace Music Videos

she's just a friend...

damn how many times have we heard this over and over again..thanks to the Nobody beats the Biz! M-a-r-K-I-E!!

I don't get the guys that ONLY have female friends..and thats it...I have a problem with that..

and I admit it..if I'm wrong say I'm wrong..

All and let me repeat..ALL the men in my life have been romantically involved with me at some point in time or want to be...there never was any middle ground..so based on my experience if you are hanging with a dude you've been with him before or you want to and vice versa if you are a dude that has only female friends you have been with at least one of them and you'd like to get closer to the other.

This doesn't apply to those dudes that have equal amounts of male and female friends that they hang out with on the regular...i'm not talking about you..

I'm talking about the dudes that ONLY have female friends..and when they have girlfriends this becomes a problem..

why you say...

because...you will have a convo like this

Boyfriend: hey baby I'm going to hang with Lisa
Girlfriend: Just Lisa? Just you 2 out at a bar drinking??
BF: Yes..you know we are just friends
GF: hmmm no I do not know that....

She's thinking either they fucked and it didn't work out or go to the next level or somewhere down the road they will eventually fuck..Or they kissed and it got awkward so they never pursued for "fear of ruining a good friendship" BULLSHIT
as somepoint in time you guys were intimate...or will be.

and then you will have a convo like this after you guys eventually break up over your need to hang with said female friends

Him: I'm hanging at bar XYZ with Lisa tonight since I really couldn't hang with her while we were dating..I neglected our friendship
Her: Just you and Lisa
Him: Yeah you don't like bars anyways
Her: You are joking right??
Him: No

BULLSHIT!

Call me crazy but every guy I've gone out with wants sex at some point if we haven't already gone down that road..and If we fucked before 10 times out of 10 he will want to do it again...he will pretend to be friendly in the beginning but best believe he's thinking about it..the chick also!

So if I'm dating someone tall, dark and handsome and he constantly wants to hang with his female BFFs I gotta a problem..whats the motive here??
Because these are most likely single women looking for a man so I'm thinking is he with her to discretly scope out more girls while she's checking for dudes or what??

Like I'm mad you don't have any male friends to balance all this shit out..granted they may get you into more trouble but you still need that male bonding as well.

And what about those relationships that end on a good note..you guys go your separate ways but say "baby I love you lets be friends".and so you start out that way but in the back of your mind you are thinking "if i really want to have sex with him/her again , we can make it happen"

so there comes the time when he gets a NEW girlfriend...
then the old girlfriend (now the female BFF) says..
Her: hey lets' go get a drink at a bar, I miss you, we were so great together
him: let me check with my NEW girlfriend
her: just tell her we are JUST friends
him: she won't go for that but whatever
her: cool I will see you soon, then one things leads to another

you follow this bullshit circle???

in labor....

not that kind of labor..this here shop is CLOSED!!

I'm talking Department of Labor..YEP I'm now considered one of the 66,000+ registered at the DOL as unemployed and claiming benefits. I was in shock as I received my glossy grey packet (not blue like UP in the AIR) but same information.

It threw me for a loop when I first got the news that my job no longer needed me after completing a successful (well not so successful we found out later my boss lost 2 million dollars) project I had a few thoughts running thru my head like when you first take a pregnancy test...you have mixed emotions...

I was sad cuz well I was losing my health insurance if I didn't pay the $919 cobra fees..then happy cuz they reduced it to $321 since I was a single mom or some other requirements I met...but then sad again cuz I couldn't even afford that!

Then I was elated cuz well YEAH I get to stay home, stay in my PJS, watch my soaps, sleep in..then I got depressed real quick cuz I still had to get up at 6 and sit in the carpool lane and look for jobs and sell myself and MAKE SOME MONEY and PAY THE SAME BILLS - basically I had to GRIND MORE NOW! at least at work I got nice lunch breaks!

After a few weeks of depression I felt optimistic again...maybe I could open another store...follow my PASSION! YES the skys the limit..then pessimistic cuz well "where am I gonna get that kind of money to do alladat AGAIN" I still owe people from my LAST shop!

Then I felt YOUNG again..hey I could go back to school then get a pay raise when I DO go back to work...then I felt OLD AS HELL as I will probably be older than all the students in the class and the students? well I could be all of their mommas!!!

So you see I was an emotional wreck... till I had my first official WORKSHOP last week and its not just young black women getting laid off which was my first thought..its old white men, young white men, its all of us..we are all riding this boat together...and they actually gave me some tips on tweaking my resume

it hasn't been all bad..catching up on sleep, getting all my doctors appointments done feeling healthy and energetic, creating and being crafty again, even sending handmade cards to some of my dearest friends, googling some of my not so dear friends seeing what the are up to...organizing my home office (COFFICE as tiffany calls it)
My house is now in order and I'm ready to deliver...but

its only been 2 months
SHIT I'm in my first trimester,
no more morning sickness but I gotta lot of work to do!

somebody HOLD MY HAND!

gone baby, don't be long...

So e badu caught a case over the window seat video (actually I think she was fined for $500 and almost got arrested) Didn't she say she wanted to get arrested??

I've watched it maybe 3 times I know its deeper than what I interpreted it to be but why is everyone going apeshit over it? really???

Its not worse than what they do while filming real world, jerseylicious, jersey shore and XY and Z (enter any reality tv show here)
All the women on those shows show their titties (yeah I said TITTIES) and them boys show there asses!
and what about all the boobs for beads at mardigras did they get fined or arrested? I don't get it
Damn if I were a boy!

I was up this am at 4am listening and reading all the lyrics, Krush bought me the album he's always so up on the music way before I am
the words are so deep and real and I can relate them to my life down to a tee!

"Get Munny" is my current fav but "Can't turn me away, I believe in your heart, I'll always want to stay......

well let me get to sleep it is now 6 something...must do church in a few hours...

down for an upgrade...

i've been a very very very sad girl...

downgraded someone in my life thinking
it would upgrade him if I wasn't in his life anymore
you know...
if you weren't with me
you'd be so much more persistant at this,
you'd be motivated to take care of that,
you'd be inspired to do something, anything, whatever, whenever

now i'm sad (and mad)
how could he let me go so easily...
told me i was right
damn he didn't even fight! (for me, for us)
why didn't he beg me to stay in his life
isn't this a muthafuckn trip...
i'm mad because he let me go, after I let him go

wow, gemini's will always make it about them won't they

what were all the reasons we broke up again anyways?
I had to make a list, i'm checking it now
reminding myself again, the numbers aren't adding up
did they outweigh the good..sometimes
absolutley, when I write them all out they do!
and sometimes they don't when I edit and add and subtract
sometimes they seem so valid, ironically
and reasonable, the reasons why
most times they look like excuses, or just a girl pmsing,
like a monthly thing
i can look in the mirror and see him in me
and then i don't have to wonder
why we are apart..we are so much alike
but worlds apart..a perfect fit pulled apart

then i say well that proves my point
it wasn't meant to be
so I go back to my list, the cards, the letters
and the memories and then i see
we want the same thing and either of us
have given those things to each other
not consistently at least
shit
i've analyzed this 10 ways to sunday
and still can't figure out why i'm
mad
#comeonson
how could he NOT fight for me?

when we said this was how it was gonna be
me and he