the Ally to my Kate...

so I've been getting flack from my cuz-es about my preference to dark men over pretty boys....

so I called Tiffy aka Ally to get her point of view...

she wasn't helpful but she always bring da truffffff.

me: tiffy, I prefer dark chocolate men what's wrong with that???
Tiffy: Hi and how are you, rude azz...Nothing is wrong with preference in the least. I never condemned you for them. I also OBJECT. Your unnamed ex-husband is not dark chocolate. Tall: Yes. Complexion: Mocha with crème in him.

me: I've NEVER dated someone lighter than me..and I am brown skinned, doesn't mean I'm prejudice I just get turned on by darker skin
Tiffy: First of all. You. Are. NOT. Brown in complexion. From what I see, clearly, you are bright (fair) skinned. And did you purposely go through life passing up on liking lighter men or did they pass you by, thereby causing your paths to never intersect?

Me: NO I never passed up fair men but I never went after them either...I normally go for the guys that I GO AFTER I'm a GO GETTA... if they pursue or chase me then that's a MAJOR turn off.
and pretty boy told me he was lonely...so you know that's a NO NO..he's done...

Tiffy: RED FLAG...EWWWWWWWWWWWWW ... lonely? hello?? what man tells a woman he's lonely ...you guys just met!! that is so green....anyways continue
me: you are hilarious!

anyways.. I never thought about preference til I had this one guy tell me he prefers bigger women and that i'm the smallest women he ever dated..I admit that gave me a complex at first ... made me wonder ..well how could he like me?
I've tried my damndest to stay a size 8 but he likes them more around 16 and up
should I gain some weight...NOT
Tiffy: Obviously this brother understands what it means to not be overtly prejudice in his thinking. By all means, don’t pack on the pounds for the sake of keeping the penis interested. Size 8 is a considerably healthy weight and many women would kill (or diet) to get there.

me: I know but
after 3 months of us having the best sex EVER he says I'm making him change his preferences...

Tiffy: At least he has given it some time. Three months is no overnight switch. So, did he say that the pooty-tang of the big-boned sisters was somehow better than smaller framed ones, or he just always dated healthy girls. Is this by chance, Nephew Tommy from the Morning Show we are referring to?

me: gurl I don't even know who Nephew Tommy is! you and your radio shows
he says it is nice to be able to wrap his arms all the way around me and squeeze me and i'm flexible and can wrap my legs around his waist and butt *ahem*

Tiffy: Now you are just spreading your boasting too thin *LOL*. For real though, big-boned women can’t wrap their thunderous thighs around him is what he’s claiming?

me: I didn't get into alladat, you a mess

so readers..do you have a preference?? light vs. dark....thin vs. plump...tall vs. short
do you stick to it? or are you an Equal Opportunity Dater (EOD)??

of course its deeper than this..it wasn't just his skintone..he is boring, no personality and can't keep my interest past 15 minutes...

as real as I can get....

so Mr. Organized has a post today about looking in the mirror...made me think of this song...

what you see is what you get....is this always true??

I'm trying to think do I always show all my cards in the beginning
of any relationship??...with an employer, employee, friends, lovers.....

I do hold back a lot but I also GIVE GIVE GIVE and tell it all just depends on who you are. I initally trust everyone and that's not good.

I need to find a balance...I have a blind date coming up
set up by a friend of a cousin of a friend..not my typical TYPE
he's tall and lighter than me..I prefer them dark chocolate
he's more of a pretty boy..I prefer them rough around the edges

We've been talking and I've basically told him all the mistakes I've made
in this past year of being single..mistake no. 1
I told him all the things I wanted out of a relationship...and he told me
a lot about him and his life...nothing has turned me off yet..nothing
has made me cautious ... its only been 2 weeks how much of the real him
could I possibly know...

I'm trying to give him a chance..going against what I'd normally do...

normally I'd stay in an unhealthy relationship
normally I'd chase someone that didn't deserve my attention
normally I'd entertain someone that was boring as hell

this time i'm trying something totally new for me....the new gee remember??

so we'll see where it goes I just have to remember to hold back a lil
and not put it all out there....
I have to remember to not try to take control of the situation
try not to paint this image of all the things I am or can be

I'd rather let him get to see the real me on his own and form his own opinion
I'll let him take the lead...that's a thought...

a fool to love me....

angry, upset or jealous?
pick one
his emotions not mine
his feelings not mine
hurt em before they hurt you
body no longer a recess
for hours of play
dodge ball, kick ball
slide, swing then twirl
elementary school games
time to ride a more suitable
suitor
someone dateable
in the open, free and seen
inaccessible to him
so he's mad, boy is he mad
territorial and sad
can't see my playground
filled with new ones
hopefully he'll just fade to black
the background
to wonder and ponder
it's killing him
to not have this anymore
he's dying to taste
once more
must've been a fool
to him
laughed
Hollywood type lies
and cover ups
kissed my lips
like soap opera actors
walked all over me
like an amusement park stroller
rollercoasters and haunted houses
thrill wides and shockwaves
turned in my season pass
his Queens Dominion
no more

now or later, part 1

Top 5 Things I'm finding out NOW...

I'm a lot cocky and even more insecure.

Loving myself is enough.

Its better to let people wonder.

Just because someone said it doesn't
make it true.

I love hard...(well we know that)
I love the wrong men HARD and
the right men not enough.

anything you JUST found out??

I can make you shine...

If nothing else
he has sustained me
assisted me
in finding my worth
calls me out when
I run to the ones
that didn't know
what I had to offer
only took what I gave
without any payback
because that's what I do
run to the old
perform
relinquish my soul
to the familiar
and then rush to the next one
always searching
never finding

he pleads for me to
stop sending the emails
of apologies
for what?
things I didn't do
couldn't control
i'm sorry
for what??
persecute myself
and allow others to
do the same
why?
I'm going to need
for you to stop that

still he shows me
over and over again
that i'm worthy of that
divine love
that I dream about
and hope for

why not?
he's my remote control
turning me on
with no set timer
his words burn me
his eyes see right thru me
his hands glide over
every inch of me
erasing previous
attempts at love
unrequited

my channels still turning
from new to old and
back to favorites and the last one
going in circles
he inserts in his hand
and stops the cycle
please stop doing this
can't you see the damage?

why can't I stop myself
why can't I see me
he's my mirror
the past and the future
shows me everything
the things I can't see
the things right in front of me
i'm so blind with some things
others 20/20

pulls me out of
victim mentality
turns my loose bulb
when its about to go out
ignites my flame
when the fire gets low
covers me when I'm wet
and cold
left by the side of the road
abandoned and pushed aside
picks me up

he protects me
from them
he can't from him

Mr. Education, G-Rated

me: Hey Babes...
Mr. Education: Hey, it's my favorite student! What's crackin', darlin'?
me: I need to talk to you...I was gonna quit blogging

Mr. Ed: Yeah, I noticed. Feels like when Michael Jordan retired, 'cept he didn't come back quite so swiftly.
me: I know I was gone for like what 2 days lol
I want to change my direction..any suggestions??

Mr. Ed: Uh, what's your passion, besides me? Truth of the matter is, everything revolves around pu**y. We go to work so we can get pu**y--or so that your pu**y is more desirable than the next gals. We try to hold numerous degrees and drive nice cars and live in attractive domiciles for the same reasons. We even kill and steal because of it. Even the 9-11 terrorist thought they were gonna get pu**y from 12 virgins for doing what they did. So, whatever you blog about, it all comes back to pussy, right?
me: *sigh* did I mention my direction was gee-rated? remember??

Mr. Ed: "G" for "G-spot"?
me: no, not even close
Mr. Ed: Oh. Then scratch everything I just said.

me: you are hilarious..now stop it..help me!!!!
Mr. Ed: They say humor is the fastest way to the drawers.

me: not mine...no I want to talk about relationships still..my experiences I guess but I want
it to be about other things..not so racy a lil bit sensual, diff topics.
Mr. Ed: More sensual than getting a woman wet... and inspiring her to beg you. It don't get much more sensual than that, babe.
me: no cuss words
Mr. Ed: That's cool. I never cuss anyway. There's always a better, more intelligent way to say what needs saying.

me: thank you
me: and no f words
Mr. Ed: Fat? Forensics? Florentine? Follicles? Finger Puppets? Fiona? Fallujah? Fellate?
me: and stop all the p words..eliminate vagina (and all nicknames for it)

Mr. Ed: Your blog is gonna be pretty darn boring now. Not even a "Beaver" or a "Muff" every now and then?
me: no NONADAT! no vulgarity
Mr. Ed: So, for real, why the sudden change of heart? Sounds familiar.
me: I dunno... trying to figure out why and what to do..that's why I called.
Mr. Ed: I feel you. Ooops. That's an "F" word.

me: So any ideas?
Mr. Ed: No. Not one. I'm tapped. If it ain't about sex or pu**y...
me: come on..can't we talk about other stuff??

Mr. Ed: Well, that only leaves money.
me: come on, I need help

Mr. Ed: And I need money!

me: I want to find a new relationship in my life...

Mr. Ed: You mean of your own?

me: could be with a man or a woman

Mr. Ed: Aww, sooky-sooky. Now you talkin'!
me: no, not like that, a woman friend or male companion..hang, shop, movies..travel..I always travel alone...all my friends here are staff members and my close friends are all back at home

mr. Ed: So, what you got against staff members? I've told the folks where I work that they can exclude me from any invites to happy hour, etc., after work. Why would I want to spend my free time with them. I make them laugh enough during normal business hours. If I was around these white people when they got drunk I'd proly end up breaking one of their jaws...or fucking one of them in the men's room. I mean, uh, "pokin'"!
me: I work with all women..gets boring
Mr. Ed: Damn! Is that considered cursing?
me: YES!
I want some local connections, hook ups, road dogs!

Mr. Ed: Then you just gotta make yourself available. I've found the best place to meet people is at schools (PTA, community gatherings, lectures, etc.), Porn shops (you'd be surprised at how many women shop there), local business associations...Is there a "Women in Business" type of gathering in your town? Or you could hang out in hotel lobbies and restaurants. The wait staff is usually pretty convivial, and there's always some lonely traveler up for company at dinner.
me: I'll take those into consideration..sans the porn shops

Mr. Ed: Suit yourself. I've met some of the most interesting women in the back rooms of porn shops. If you define "interesting" as being down for whatever.

me: maybe I should try speed dating

Mr. Ed: You mean where you get the drawers as fast as possible and get the hell out (or kick her the hell out) before the significant other comes home?
me: no silly, a quick meet and greet..it saves time.. you meet a lot of folks like every 2 minutes or something..its speeds things up

Mr. Ed: Oh, well then I'm at a loss. Not to rub your pretty little pug nose in it, but I've never had a problem hookin' up. All through my adult life women have come on to me, and I'm naturally inquisitive, so I'll strike up a conversation with just about anybody, male or female. I speak to everybody who sits next to me on the subway, usually taking them by surprise. I've made some cool acquaintances that way.

me: when I lived in DC I was the same way..but where I live and work now is so far away from all the good STUFF TO DO
back to speed dating..should I find a place here??

Mr. Ed: Seems contrived and corny, forced to me. But that's just from what I've seen in movies.

me: it would be all men

Mr. Ed: Not nece-celery.

me: why do you think men are my focus?

Mr. Ed: Don't know. Maybe it's 'cause you're a woman?!

me: I want a radio show

Mr. Ed: Yeah, you and Don Imus, too.

me: ha! could I interview you???

Mr. Ed: No. No way. You'd proly say I have a face made for radio and I'd have to kick your ass on-air.

me: HA!!!
you know i'm working from home now

mr. Ed: And?

me: in my pjs

Mr. Ed: PJs, or some white lacey Victoria's Secret boy shorts with a matching semi-sheer, nipple-revealing camisole?

me: gee rated remember?...good bye!

combusting at the seams...

If she was smart
she would stay away
the fire in his words
written for her
told her no one could
protect her from him
burning her inside and out

still she went to him
open heart and wounds
never fully closing
never dying off
everyone there
to piece apart
dissect her
wishing they knew her
felt the heat
her heart
not even close

no one loved her as much
as she loved them
patterns untraceable
senses numb
going blindly
just to feel something

she lets go, walks away
then back in again
deeper than before
and worst off
still she goes to him
consumed by the flame
she keeps going

The sparks in his eyes
told her he'd try
"I'll be the guard" he says
but she already knew
he couldn't tell the truth
couldn't love
it was too hot, too close
like sunburn

she closed her eyes
felt the fire
hit her skin
as she gave in

again....

out with the old gee....

I got a few emails:
wth??
what's wrong with your blog?
why am I getting jibberish?
what's with the links??

...I only responded to one person and this is what I said:
i'm in the process of deleting it,
and now blogger acting foolish,
hopefully it will be
completely deleted in a few days
I hope I don't lose anything
I had some good stuff on there
I haven't shared any of my writings
to anyone before and now and it felt good
however
(the old) geegee doesn't really fit into my real life
anymore..
I need to stop hiding behind her and
cultivate all the in real life relationships I have
that I've neglected or got bored with or
just didn't meet my expectations
I need to stop procrastinating and
finish some of the real things
I have on my plate..
figure out ways to accomplish
other goals I have in life
stop playing and lurking around blogland

I felt I was getting caught up in the lives of
of so many people I don't even know
putting all my energy into people
that didn't really know me
prolly wouldn't lend me some suger
if I needed it and are prolly
more attracted to what they
thought "gee gee" was than what
I really am, and I'm to blame
I get that
that old blog allowed me to
release a lot of creative (and sexual) tension
I had inside and it taught me a lot
about myself and what I wanted
it also made
me realize I have a lot in real life
people and things, that I need to focus on.

and the lurkers? anons??
what are they hiding?? what am I hiding?
what are we all searching for?
something that we aren't getting
in our real lives??
why look here?? for what??

a creative outlet??
an audence??
attention??
new friends??
new lovers??

I just started to question why I was blogging and it just wasn't enough anymore.


-------------------

so I'm changing my direction..don't know what or how yet but i'll be back.