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Sunday, March 2, 2008

if love is the end....

Would you be willing to give your full heart if you knew true love was the end??

I've been evaluating the past 2 years since my marriage ended and I'm so over it. DONE.
I've kissed a few frogs and even a saint and the results were always the same. LONELINESS.

I've put myself in situations, false relationships, unconsciously that I knew had no future.
Made myself available to the unavailable because maybe in my heart I knew I wasn't ready
for something more permanent and that could be and would be all mine.
When you know its not gonna work you don't even try. When you know that person is not worthy of your love you don't give it all you've got. Sometimes you think you don't derseve it.
Maybe you know they don't deserve. Everything is hard and forced,
Nothing is easy, there is always a struggle.
I wasn't strong enough, stable enough, healthy enough anyway. I wasnt ready for the relationship I dreamed of, desired and planned for. Couldn't fully accept it anyway. Couldn't fully let go of the past anyway. There was a wall, sometimes it was invisible and sometimes it smacked me in the face til I passed out from the emotional and physical exhaustion of it all.
Just plain and simple, I wasn't ready.

Now I am.

Now I'm ready to give fully and freely. Nothing to control, eggshells to walk on, easy buttons to push.
Just want to enjoy long dates, wet kisses, strong hugs and late night conversations with the full knowledge that we are in this thing together.
Wanna hold his hand, sink into his embrace and know that "I got him".
Want him to look into my eyes, grab my hand and know that "he's got me".
Want us to be at the same place at the same PACE. Learning.

Both leaving the past behind and moving forward....full steam.
Don't want to be afraid of getting hurt or losing.
Don't want to worry about my flaws, failures, insecurities and past mistakes.
Just want to go with him, be with him, sing with him and dance with him.

I'm giving my heart, I've already decided.

"I'll play
what ever you say
If love is the end"


P.S. starting a NEW NEW job...like a real one....my first 9 to 5 well actually 8 to 4 in over 8 years

WOW....my feet gon be hurting!

7 comments:

Roddykat said...

If you pardon my sillyness for a second, I just had to say: "WEeee're in this love to-ge-ther. We got the kind that'll last for-e-ver."

Now that that's out of the way, congrats on the new job. Remember, relax-relate-release.

As far as love is concerned, we don't know, but I believe that it should still be dealt with in the same manor if we did. The old saying, "live everyday like it's your last" can definitely be applied here. Nobody wants good things to end, but it doesn't seem that people don't appreciate it until it's gone. Doesn't seem like that's the way to be, personally. There's more by I've taken up enough space.

My 2 bits. Oh, and what you know about it.

PRO said...

If love is the end, I'm willing to risk it ALL and find that thing my subconscious seems to lack. Is this the end, are you my friend... you use to be mine when the chips were down you use to be mine when i wasnt around. *queueing love song for her nine-to-five homey* BTW, I called you this morning to see you off on your first day. I think my subconscious is afraid to risk losing her bestest girlfriendship in a long time. Knock 'em out da box gee, knock em knock em knock em out da box gee. Today, let em know how to get a house in order, as you have been through the FIRE and still smell like Vicki's Secrets! I'm uber happy for you. *Waits patiently for plane ticket to Gawja or a job; whichever comes 1st*

xoxo,
"tiffy"

Lyrically speaking said...

CONGRATS on your new job...I know what you mean by loneliness. I've been divorced 8 years now and the frogs have come and gone, the loneliness sucks but then again it's better than someone getting on your last nerve, lol

Tha L said...

Gon' and do that damn thang, GG!! Congratulations on the new gig, and the heart healing. These are both beautiful things for you, and I'm glad to see you've made it thru. Smooches!

Paula D. said...

Yaaay! Congrats on the new 9 to 5! As far as the affairs of the heart....do you!!!

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

aww Mr. Rod..u can never take up too much space here!
my TIFFY, we've spoken since but I loved hearing your message today as I was sneaking and checking them while trying to be professional..can't be all chatty kathy the first day...you are the bestest and we will be seeing each other this month!
Cathy..yes sometimes being alone is a good thing but I've grown, I've learned and I've healed ... now I want a long term LOVE again
SMOOCHES L!! back at cha!..the job was tryna kick my butt today but I wore my kick ass BOOTS so I didn't falter!!!
PaulaD, girl where you been! yes i'm trying to do me but sometimes I'm the one that gets in the way *sigh*

anonymousnupe said...

Lemme know if you need me to rub your dawgs tonight, Boo.