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Monday, February 23, 2009

baggage left...finally...

"My foolish heart was broken
when he left us in the cold.
Now I’m left to fix the pieces."

Exactly how I felt 3 years ago when my ex husband left us for 8 weeks and then ultimately for good to be with another woman. We absolutely lost everything without the energy to put up a fight.
Didn't think I would ever get over that. Somehow I did, I had to, had no choice.
I think if there was a build up, if we had a horrible marriage, some kind of warning then I would've been prepared for the inevitable , I thought I had the epitome of a stable marriage til the air was knocked out of my stomach. I kept asking "What did I do??" In the past I
looked down at women that complained about their husbands and had men on the side.
I was in it for the long haul. I made my bed and I was comfy and cozy in it.
Until the day I found out he wanted out and had already spent a year working on another relationship. and to think I was so happy to be married to him , thought I had my whole life figured out. WOW!
I didn't know any better.
Getting back at him was never a goal for me. I was too numb for revenge.

The best revenge is her calling me asking me to help her with him. HUH?? The problems you guys are having I never had with him. I listened anyways. She talked about how controlling and evil he is with her. He was never like that with me. Please don't call again for advice as I have none. Goodbye to you both.

Back then I was in survival mode and that's all I thought about. I kept my friends and family on the outside and all of my pain in the inside. Until recently.
Now a commerical, a tv show, something the kids will say, or this song will bring it all to surface. Right at a time when love has found me again all the pain is seeping out. Purging to make room for something deeper and pure.
I went thru so many years of being quiet that I didn't feel or voice anything about my divorce.
I pushed it to the bottom of my soul. The minute I started to feel again, The minute I started to love again all of my barriers melted away and all the baggage came rushing around.
As I was loving him I was hating the him of my past. I love you in one conversation to I can't talk to you ever again in the next conversation. Emotional rollercoaster all day , every day.
Love and hate. Wore them on my sleeve everyday. How exhausted I was.

A few months ago I finally said "is it me, something I've done that makes you treat me this way" and he simply said "no , you've done nothing" and with that I was able to let it all go. Just like that. It wasn't me at all. I forgave him. I forgive myself. Enough is Enough. I'm done.
I wasted so much energy these past few years that I will never get back but I'm enjoying the new years I'm making with a light heart and less pain.
I'm sure every now and then something else will take me back down memory lane and all I have to do is look to my side or look in front of me and see all the love I have all around me.

"I won’t let you keep (keep) hurting me, if you gone keep causing me pain."

8 comments:

Pro said...

if u EVER deleted all your post and then changed your blog name to 'new new' gee and didnt post but one thing: baggage left finally; it would be the best post ever to hit the blog. i may not understand fully all of your pain (although you know i know some pain of my own), but i'm extremely blessed to have been one who was allowed over the wall closer to you. you have become more like the big sister i always wanted and have imparted more wisdom on me than my sometimes coo coo mommy dearest! thanks for dat. and no matter our twin-like differences, i'm here (even though i'm not there) for you, albeit a sounding board. atleast 'til i get my stax straight, then we'll take that girlfriend getaway and do it big for the 40+ and the 35+ sidekick! don't forget i teach you a lil somethin from time to time too!

i'm glad you've found sunshine beyond your cloudy days.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

keep you head up
it will be his loss

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

PRO you so mushy! you already know my comment on this..thanks so much for always being there! *smooches*

ALL MI T - thanks!! my head is up and i'm much happier these days!

Nikki Wadley said...

Your posts always tug at my hurt.

Lovebabz said...

Yes I do know what you are talking about. I never saw the end coming. But he Had already left us mentally and spiritually a year before he actually physically left.

My blog is all about my journey or reovery and discovery. We are connected.

Love waits on welcome not on time.

((HUGS))

Tha L said...

Dang Gee Gee! It's been awhile since I've come by, but I'm glad I did. Healing is an awesome thing, isn't it? It takes so much energy to be unhappy, hurt, angry, sad...but to look back after the healing begins is a wonderful feeling. I'm so glad for you, sis.

Gkrew said...

Wow. Glad you were able to put that behind you and move on

1969 said...

I am so happy to read this post. You deserve every happiness Gee!!!