Friday, August 15, 2008

vain...or NOT

I'm wondering if I'm vain as I sit at my desk at work checking my mirror 15,000 times.

Am I vain?? Do I think I look good?

What am I checking for? Is my gray showing? Do I have food in my teeth? Boogers in my nose?? Zits on my cheeks? Chin hair? Crust in my eyes?? Wax in my ears??

Why am I obsessing over my looks??? Such a gemini...happy one minute...frowning the next.

But really...why do I feel like all eyes on me? Is it my looks...my physical features? Do you see something you like?

Or are you checking for blemishes and moles?? Are you looking for something out of place??
I feel myself doing this to everyone around me...even the champ..drives him crazy!! I'm plucking his eyebrows...constantly squeezing his face...What's wrong with me??
am I obsessed with perfection...???

I feel like everything is out of place...out of sync.... but by what standards??

I want a new haircut, I want my old body back, I want a manicure and a pedicure, I want the hair on my legs to stop growing, I want my lips fuller, I want these freckles and moles off my face. Why? I dunno

Who am I trying to impress? I dunno

Why allasudden? I dunno

I'm just not proud of how I look right now..TODAY.. so how could I be vain?

Is it because I think everyone is looking at me...talking about me...thinking about me....measuring my accomplishments, analyzing my salary, guessing my intentions, judging my work and weighing my emotions. I'm afraid they will see right through me...will they think I'm fake? that I have been faking? that I don't know all the answers, I make mistakes, I have flaws.

Will they be able to see past that..see past it all and into my heart?? Am I a fraud?...I don't have it together or do I??..cuz I damn sho made it thru 40 years and I have a very bless - sed life. I'm sure of it.

So Am I going through a midlife crisis?? Whats wrong with me TODAY??

....my saving grace is that I've started my gratitude journal again..after putting it down 3 years ago..no wonder the past 2 years have been so tough ... I need to get back to acknowledging all THAT I have instead of fussing over what I want and how I should look.

*double sigh*


Roddykat said...

If you worked with the jokers i do, you'd do well to check yourself out every once in a while. You could have a knife in your back and bleeding out and they wouldn't tell you. Just look.

Beyond that, if you don't think yo look good, who else will(ok, we know that answer, but still)? Perfection is subjective and in some cases unobtainable. You have a couple of truths on your side. Champ obviously knows you look good, you have have to get that into yourself(remember the mirror thing. It's your friend). Give yourself a 3 count and push on.

In this case a 3 count goes like this: check the mirror (or ask or combo of each) 3 times. No more, no less. After the 3rd time, let it go. Everything should be right as rain. :)

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

yep u vain
but checking for boogers, or digging 4 them aint lol

Bombchell said...

hmmm girl i just thought everyone had those thoughts lol.

rebecca said...

The Sea


The Sea! the Sea! the open Sea!

The blue, the fresh, the ever free!

Without a mark, without a bound,

It runneth the earth's wide regions 'round;

It plays with the clouds; it mocks the skies;

Or like a cradled creature lies.

I'm on the Sea! I'm on the Sea!

I am where I would ever be;

With the blue above, and the blue below,

And silence wheresoe'er I go;

If a storm should come and awake the deep,

What matter? I shall ride and sleep.


I love (oh! how I love) to ride

On the fierce foaming bursting tide,

When every mad wave drowns the moon,

Or whistles aloft his tempest tune,

And tells how goes the world below,

And why the south-west blasts do blow.

I never was on the dull tame shore

but I lov'd the great Sea more and more,

And backwards flew to her billowy breast,

Like a bird that seeketh its mother's nest;

And mother she was, and is to me;

For I was born on the open Sea!

~~~by aoc powerlevewling