can't go there again...

I wonder
could I stand all the love you could give me
would I ruin it
stain it forever
maybe I can only love and not be loved back
maybe it hurts too much
maybe my wounds are so deep they can't be healed
I wonder if I could even give you what you deserve
in return
can I even love you with all my heart and
stand the happiness that comes with it
what if I can't truly let go of my insecurities
I wonder if my emotions are just too
overwhelming that they should be kept hidden always
maybe I'm better off alone
maybe I don't deserve your kind of love
what if I can't handle it
don't think I can
so I run

goodbye again
for good
because this time
he let go

------

You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through somehow
I've been torn apart so many times
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart
Somebody already broke my heart

i need tagbourne

missed taking my meds and now i've been tagged...dang it!!!

by ThaL

here's 7 random...weird facts.

1) I give myself random pep talks thruout the day "gee you can do it..get up and get going "gee, its 4am go back to sleep what are you worried about what could go wrong between the hours of 4 and 6am" "Gee..don't eat that...look at your waist"
I'm my very own imaginary friend!

2) we all know about the white rice thing..I love it..eat it twice a day..Protector bought me a rice cooker and I swear I humped the box right in the store!!!!
Don't tell me if its bad for me or it has too many carbs..I don't care...I WANT MY RICE!...shut up TIffy!


3) back in 98 I was a designer for Philips Magnavox...my first product was WEBTV..wow and WTF??? I know...THAT product never caught on ... and I never got promoted! *sigh*

4) my fondest memory as a child was going to my first concert at the Kennedy Center with my moms to see Sister SLedge..."we are family"

5) oh my mom used to dance on Soul Train...HAHAHAHAH!!!

6) i was a military brat, born at Walter Reed Army Medical Center...dad fought in Vietnam and survived physically but not mentally...*sigh*

7) I have to brush my teeth at 7pm everynight if not i'll sit and eat in my bed til 11pm...but if I brush my teeth I won't eat anymore...I know I'm goofy!

I ain't taggin nobody but if you want to participate link back to me and follow the rules!!!! PEACCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


The rules of the game are:
A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Training Day...1 done 4 to go

so I'm back to work already! whew!
I was getting tired of selling myself...

It was fun to dress up in slacks that were BANGING..a pink sweater (ala Janet Jackson - whatever TIFF) and my fav pair of Mary Janes...I looked HAWT..then why they say I could've worn jeans!!!
anyways... training started today for my new job..so i'm doing a drive by post
not real estate school but damn hard..half creative/design, half technical..the technical kicked my ass but I've dusted it off and I'll dress it up again tomorrow..dayum some jeans!!!!
I love to dress up..even when I go to the airport..which has been every 2 weeks this year it seems...and I see folks in sweats and I'm always in heels...Protector always says I overdress but hey that's me!!!

more later....HOLLA!!!!

Slish I got your money..come get it! HAHAHA!!!!!

you'll see...

"wait til your damn house get outta order..listening to folks...you'll see"

and that my folks is the QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!! LMAO!!

whew!!!

so I'm following orders and getting my shyt together MAN!

my big sitting home, working half time, eating and drinking everything in the fridge and pantry, playing all day with Tiffy just ain't cutting it no mo!!!

I'm back on the block, selling myself to the highest corporate bidder..
*sigh*
been out of the rat race for 8 years now as a business owner with my lil 3000 sq. ft of american pie, selling crafts to wealthy women with nothing on their to do list but track the memories of their lil ones..seems like a dream, was living a fantasy and now that shipped has sailed, run its course...the shop is closed and I need a refill of reality.

my plate is absolutely empty right now, on e...I need something....something...can't put my finger on it..

I coveted my career, the money, the title, my fan base, the accolades, the articles..hard to give that up and become the low man on the totem pole

hopefully it won't take me long, times a wastin.

When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
then she gets plenty more, uhh

same ole dizzy hangup....

I'm the aggressor and I'm the quitter...gemini
I go after what I want, I get it... then I think of ways to end it or how it will end and sometimes I lay in wake crying about the ending before its even close to ending..even when its right at the beginning I still think of it ending...so my first defense is to give up and not even fight for it anymore, don't want to fight for anything or work hard at it all.

Its like I've become addicted to saying goodbye. Addicted to having something so good then letting it go. I keep my self in this circle of having then pushing away
or getting and then setting it free
do I feel I don't deserve it or its just a sin to have it or is he not worth it or is it just a "meaningless distraction"..
Pro you know what I mean...so why do we bother??

I don't know..the thrill of the chase?? which is so cliche but it is what keeps most of us going
and getting what we want....which ultimately ends in a bad goodbye for me

I can't tell you how many times I've been dropped off at an airport after the most memorable getaway only to have it end in a big fight ... couldn't even say goodbye
walking away from him just cuz it was never meant to be in the first place..it wasn't real in the first place, it needed to end in the first place..another "meaningless distraction"

or how many times someone has left my house that I didn't really want there in the first place...the thrill is getting them there...5 minutes later I'm already bored

this has happened to me sooooooo many times...but I think this time I'm gonna stop doing the going after, the hunter stalking her prey..any prey....not even thinking of the intake and how it will affect my body. this time, the next time i'm just waiting for it to come to me

like they said in scarface

"say goodnight to the bad guy"

Lack of REM

don't you just love it when you find a new album that puts into words all the thoughts and emotions that you are feeling right at that moment?
what album was/is it for you?

in college for me it was SADE....now its JILLY
ALL I
I've been a goody daddy,but I don’t have to be
If you don’t want me to,I’ll be your nasty baby

No time for games,no rules just play
Hope you been thinking about the same thing

I’m just sayin’what’s on my mind
It’s been good,but now it’s time
To show love what we made of

No time for games,no rules just play
I hope you want me in the same way

Every time I close my eyes
all I dream about is
making love
I can’t even sleep at night
all I dream about is
making love
It’s just all the things I see
when you’re inside of me
that keeps my mind going crazy
I can’t even think at night
all I dream about is
making love

… to you

daddy's gone
the price too high
can't afford it

bypass surgery...

you know what my prayer was last night...

..heavenly father please give me a patient heart..
see I have NO PATIENCE at all..when I want it I want it ASAP and generally
...heck almost always I go after it or I just get it or I call the right folks
to help me get it or I call the man to just get it for me but I gets it!

the one thing I can't control is my heart..

Its filled with lots of clogged components and sometimes the oxygen barely makes it to my brain causing me to jump in the arms of those that I think will save me, protect me and ultimately rescue me.

I get lightheaded with loneliness and I think "all I need is a skilled surgeon"...he'll fix me so I don't wait, I just check myself in and let his anesthesia do the work putting me in a dreamy state that I hardly remember the important things in life. For the moment the pain is numb and I allow myself to be healed {but not completely}. He patches me up at first then he pulls me down a path that is destructible. Often times I find this out too late and its hard to get out of it which causes chest pains and soon I know I'll need to reroute my emotions and all these uncontrollable impluses before I die. I don't want to die in surgery.

Thats why I need a heart that will wait. One that doesn't mind the slow
ride to succes. One that won't be settling on "what's right in front of me" or "whats available to me now". It has to be patient.

A heart filled with desire and discipline, one that can enjoy and survive
the long journey to. A heart that won't faint from the intensity of something real.

I want a heart that won't get so full, a glutton for punishment
...that won't overdose on the tainted, will take its time to the impossible
and what's meant to be - my destiny.

A heart that won't break because it loves too hard..a heart that will
balance and pace itself, a gradual increase, hanging in there for the long haul
waiting for the right one that can push thru the blockage, detour and
lead me to the finish line.

This procedure takes patience and thats something I don't have.