Mal(e) Nutrition...

He keeps me waiting...
on his call,
on his words,
on his smile,
on his kiss...on my lips
He keeps me wanting....
his touch
his tongue
his arms
his hands...on my hips

my insides (and outsides)
are in a constant state
of not having enough
longing, always hungry
my heart wants to be full
overflowing
and running over, satisfied


"I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees"

Peeling the Bandaid...

I'm finding that letting go is actually a science and takes months, sometimes years of practice (and patience).

You can either do it quickly without ever looking back like I did successfully when my marriage ended a few years ago or you can do it slowly and painfully like a rollercoaster ride going thru ups and downs, jerks and turns, highs and lows until finally the bandaid just falls off unexpectedly because of the dirt, pain, sweat and tears. Suddenly it just lifts off and you realize you've finally let go.

Breathe. Its sad but it will be okay but you first have to go through a series of feelings and emotions before you can appreciate the experience.

Stage 1: First you feel like WHEW! I've made a decision! Its been a long time coming. I must put an end to this!! You feel a since of relief like a weight has been lifted. You feel like your life will be 10x better once this chapter in your book is closed. You are better off!! You will now grow and make some moves and be great!!

Stage 2: After a few weeks after the connection has been broken you start to miss the very thing you tried to separate yourself from. You try filling the void with everything you know how. Nothing seems to work!
You start to second guess your decision thinking you've made a mistake.
You may even revisit those feelings again and try to ignite them again. You go back and forth "should I", "Maybe not"? The situation quickly turns STICKY! Just like a bandaid, you take it off to see if its healed, then you put it back on to see if its gone away, then you pick at it seeing if you feel anything, then you close it back up.

Stage 3: It starts to hurt. You may even cry over your lost. The medicine has worn off. You keep trying to remind yourself the reasons you wanted to move on in the first place. Aren't you happier now?? This is the most crucial stage. You have to fight through this. This is the crucial time when infection may occur like guilt and resentment because you couldn't make it last.

Stage 4: You start to look for a temporary fix. You can't stand the pain anymore so you go back into the fire. It could give you that false sense of security that everything is gonna be alright. It could even be magical. But in reality it may just be a long drawn out goodbye kiss. Is it worth it??

Stage 5: The time and space in which you connect (kiss goodbye) get farther apart and more infrequent. And time away is the only thing that lifts the bandaid. You have to actually leave it alone. Do not revisit it, do not scratch it and then finally it pulls away and you realized you've finally moved on and let go.

You still may have a scar but thats just a reminder of what once was. Smile when you see it....no tears.

down for an upgrade...

i've been a very very very sad girl...

downgraded someone in my life thinking
it would upgrade him if I wasn't in his life anymore
you know...
if you weren't with me
you'd be so much more persistant at this,
you'd be motivated to take care of that,
you'd be inspired to do something, anything, whatever, whenever

now i'm sad (and mad)
how could he let me go so easily...
told me i was right
damn he didn't even fight! (for me, for us)
why didn't he beg me to stay in his life
isn't this a muthafuckn trip...
i'm mad because he let me go, after I let him go

wow, gemini's will always make it about them won't they

what were all the reasons we broke up again anyways?
I had to make a list, i'm checking it now
reminding myself again, the numbers aren't adding up
did they outweigh the good..sometimes
absolutley, when I write them all out they do!
and sometimes they don't when I edit and add and subtract
sometimes they seem so valid, ironically
and reasonable, the reasons why
most times they look like excuses, or just a girl pmsing,
like a monthly thing
i can look in the mirror and see him in me
and then i don't have to wonder
why we are apart..we are so much alike
but worlds apart..a perfect fit pulled apart

then i say well that proves my point
it wasn't meant to be
so I go back to my list, the cards, the letters
and the memories and then i see
we want the same thing and either of us
have given those things to each other
not consistently at least
shit
i've analyzed this 10 ways to sunday
and still can't figure out why i'm
mad
#comeonson
how could he NOT fight for me?

when we said this was how it was gonna be
me and he

catch and release...{repost from pchats}

Hard to put into words the way he makes Ms. Kitty purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.



We were just chillin I think, surfin' the tube
when he reached for our secret drawer
..looking for the lube.
"Wait...we don't need any" - I see his mind thinking.
"I want you to make me wet" I whisper (my way of hinting)
he starts
Spreading my legs and cupping my thighs,
ready for action my clit doubles in size,
with long licks and short flicks
he eats me like its his last supper or
one of those blow pop suckers.
and I'm thinking
"how did I score this one" and
"where did he come from"??
He's the Champ, and the G.O.A.T still hitting pussy homeruns.
with me
and
My legs are pressed against his ears
I'm clinching my fists, close to tears
his face has completely disappeared
into me
and
all over me,
and with me
and thru me
and I feel my juices tricklin' down my ass,
Its so slippery, and I'm moving so fast.
beggin him
just fuck me put me out of my misery,
clearly
I can't take it
I'm lost at sea
he's not giving in...
"let me finish" geegee.
okay
so I lose my breath
as I feel it building up
and this time I can't stop,
it slowly erupts
I know it will be a strong
still shocked
at how intense
So shocked I start laughing
and crying,
does that even make sense??

gee book of rhymes...

As promised I'm posting a few pages from my inspiration journal....

Next journal prompt:

Name the things you LOVE...what brings you joy??

How do you give LOVE/ BRING JOY to others??

"Man I found

these shits up in the crib

man in boxes man

I don't even remember

when I was writing these shits

or what's in these shits man

probably a bunch of bullshit man

Fuck it check it"

- nas

spirit flowing on the inside...

i'm one of those people that create their best stuff when they are depressed, sad, confused, anxious, intoxicated...scanning my old journals and reading my past angst...it seems most of the great writings of gemini girl have come out of despair *sigh*... I'm amazed at how the words just poured out when I was worried, frantic, and sexually frustrated.

like billie holiday...lady sings the blues...I guess

when I'm happy and fulfilled and content the words don't flow as much..nothing to complain about..or wonder or ponder.I tend to keep these feelings close to my heart...mostly I'm just busy expressing my love to the ones that make me smile the most.

concentrating on the important..life is good...i'm grateful

"loving you
makes my heart sing a song"

love explained...

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."

Do you believe in love??