slowly, surely...

If he never lifts his hands to meet my touch
If he never stretches his arm to meet my hugs
If he never leans in to meet my kiss
If his outsides never meet my insides

does he ever really feel me?


"i just don't know, where i should go, so, slowly, surely, I walk away from love"

Mal(e) Nutrition...

He keeps me waiting...
on his call,
on his words,
on his smile,
on his kiss...on my lips
He keeps me wanting....
his touch
his tongue
his arms
his hands...on my hips

my insides (and outsides)
are in a constant state
of not having enough
longing, always hungry
my heart wants to be full
overflowing
and running over, satisfied


"I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees"

After this...

He will
Miss me before we meet again
Kiss me before I expect it
Gaze at me before I twirl
Guess my scent before I snuggle
Touch my knee before its near
Turn off his phone before it rings
Hug me before the pain
Say he loves me before its heard
Beg me to stay before I have to go
Chase me before I turn to run
Show his excitement before I'm naked
Take it before I serve it
Embrace me before I cry

Give me his all before I die.

baggage left...finally...

"My foolish heart was broken
when he left us in the cold.
Now I’m left to fix the pieces."

Exactly how I felt 3 years ago when my ex husband left us for 8 weeks and then ultimately for good to be with another woman. We absolutely lost everything without the energy to put up a fight.
Didn't think I would ever get over that. Somehow I did, I had to, had no choice.
I think if there was a build up, if we had a horrible marriage, some kind of warning then I would've been prepared for the inevitable , I thought I had the epitome of a stable marriage til the air was knocked out of my stomach. I kept asking "What did I do??" In the past I
looked down at women that complained about their husbands and had men on the side.
I was in it for the long haul. I made my bed and I was comfy and cozy in it.
Until the day I found out he wanted out and had already spent a year working on another relationship. and to think I was so happy to be married to him , thought I had my whole life figured out. WOW!
I didn't know any better.
Getting back at him was never a goal for me. I was too numb for revenge.

The best revenge is her calling me asking me to help her with him. HUH?? The problems you guys are having I never had with him. I listened anyways. She talked about how controlling and evil he is with her. He was never like that with me. Please don't call again for advice as I have none. Goodbye to you both.

Back then I was in survival mode and that's all I thought about. I kept my friends and family on the outside and all of my pain in the inside. Until recently.
Now a commerical, a tv show, something the kids will say, or this song will bring it all to surface. Right at a time when love has found me again all the pain is seeping out. Purging to make room for something deeper and pure.
I went thru so many years of being quiet that I didn't feel or voice anything about my divorce.
I pushed it to the bottom of my soul. The minute I started to feel again, The minute I started to love again all of my barriers melted away and all the baggage came rushing around.
As I was loving him I was hating the him of my past. I love you in one conversation to I can't talk to you ever again in the next conversation. Emotional rollercoaster all day , every day.
Love and hate. Wore them on my sleeve everyday. How exhausted I was.

A few months ago I finally said "is it me, something I've done that makes you treat me this way" and he simply said "no , you've done nothing" and with that I was able to let it all go. Just like that. It wasn't me at all. I forgave him. I forgive myself. Enough is Enough. I'm done.
I wasted so much energy these past few years that I will never get back but I'm enjoying the new years I'm making with a light heart and less pain.
I'm sure every now and then something else will take me back down memory lane and all I have to do is look to my side or look in front of me and see all the love I have all around me.

"I won’t let you keep (keep) hurting me, if you gone keep causing me pain."

that kind of guy...

I was emailing someone yesterday describing THE CHAMP
and the only thing I could say was that "he's a CATCH".

I knew from our very first telephone conversation 90 days ago...
that we were both on the same page and headed in the same direction.
I knew he was different and I would be changed by him from that day..
day 1 we marked it.
The way he smiled ... turned me soft because I knew it was genuine and just for me
instant gratification..all the time smiles, giggles, hugs and kisses
kind words of support, comfort, desire, passion, completeness.
I knew we'd be different to each other not like all the rest.
Taking our time/more time, listening more, more willing to compromise,
sharing insides that no one else could touch - generous with our affection..
our attention in one direction..
our need for each other is matched ... point to point connection.

I knew we'd have new experiences and new outcomes,
new lovers for the first time, making everyone else the last time
I knew we were growing together and into some real together
all easy loving

I know..this type of feeling only comes once in a lifetime you say?
and some people think discomfort will eventually come after the love
I never thought that...
and you can only have one soulmate you say?
I had a soulmate I didn't marry and a husband that never saw my passion,
but he sees it all...everytime
and he makes me feel it..even when I doubted....
after all these days he said he'd go back to day one
to convince me ...when the fear freezes me
in my steps and in my feelings
my imagination like a runaway train
I'm chasing everything
but something else, running
trying to get free, pushing him away, off of me...
sabotage and abandonment filled the time
that was meant for him and us
wasted energy that shouldn't have existed

luckily he had faith and trusted what we already had/could have
he was aware of my baggage and he constantly told me
"I got you..don't worry, I will wait for you"
my common denominator in weekends, thoughts, and prayers
plans for the future too.
In my heart I keep him safe..barely to escape
unless them to him
to his face
in his ear
only for him
actions reserved for him
love with his name on it
no more
what did I do wrong..will I do it again??
will I fall...and will he catch me??

in one day..this instance
I let it all go...all the betrayal..just like that
it was lifted..and the love just poured out of me and it won't stop

no more doubt I told him...and he makes sure it stays that way
consistent with me always..even when my leaves were flailing in the wind
even when I'm unsure
or wavering
still
he's that big strong tree
that doesn't budge

he's that guy
I was walking behind on a 5 mile trail
around stone mountain this weekend
I kept trying to push him ahead of me
telling him to run his own race , go faster, speed up
but he stayed with me
grabbing my hand
pushing me forward saying "I'm not leaving you"
"Are you afraid I will get lost?"
he said, "No"
"Am I slowing you down?"
again he said "No, I just want to be next to you"
"I can see you...so go"
"I'm not going anywhere"
and with that
we just kept walking...
side by side
staying close
yep he's that kind of guy
"loving him a little more everyday"

near and with me....

he asked me why I left
total silence
a new season, a new me
the old me, the woe is me
fear upon me
couldn't articulate my feelings
frozen
hushed
couldn't state my case
he was my only voice of reason
my haven of balance and maturity

had to leave him
run
flee
fly to sanity
outside our bubble
be free or burn together
this circle of love
that was pierced by
pride and uncertainty
caught in my throat
I wanted to
but I couldn't
I needed to
but I wouldn't
not again
choking now
on my tears
so I ran
and I didn't say why

not to blame

someone told me this weekend that a brand NEW relationship
is a good time to break all bad habits.
is it even possible to start fresh everytime you meet someone new??
ms. new booty (sorry shouts out to bubbasparkxxxx)
are you always bringing up shit, old emotions
that you thought you'd let go??
apparently not

like finding old love letters and lovemaking cds..

the signs are there..hidden or out in the open..they had someone before you
previous cats

they had girlfriends, jumpoffs and even wives...recognize
but why pull them into your relationship now..that was
months, years ago, let it go

whew! I'm trying my damn-dest to take my own advice
mistakes and heartaches get the best of me, and man its hard

so hard
to just live in the moment
in the time
where you are right now

its hard but i'm doing it
i will do it


Krush told me
"you need new ointment
for those old wounds"

I guess I do
where's the nearest drugstore??


******

i'm in such a good mood right now
you always wonder
why
there is a permanent smile
on my face
its been that way
since the day we met
you make me smile
constantly
instant chemistry
that's gotten the best of me
the way you take care of me
warms my heart, us and we
I'm so giggly with you
so at peace and calm
so relaxed and renewed
with you i'm glued

if love is the end....

Would you be willing to give your full heart if you knew true love was the end??

I've been evaluating the past 2 years since my marriage ended and I'm so over it. DONE.
I've kissed a few frogs and even a saint and the results were always the same. LONELINESS.

I've put myself in situations, false relationships, unconsciously that I knew had no future.
Made myself available to the unavailable because maybe in my heart I knew I wasn't ready
for something more permanent and that could be and would be all mine.
When you know its not gonna work you don't even try. When you know that person is not worthy of your love you don't give it all you've got. Sometimes you think you don't derseve it.
Maybe you know they don't deserve. Everything is hard and forced,
Nothing is easy, there is always a struggle.
I wasn't strong enough, stable enough, healthy enough anyway. I wasnt ready for the relationship I dreamed of, desired and planned for. Couldn't fully accept it anyway. Couldn't fully let go of the past anyway. There was a wall, sometimes it was invisible and sometimes it smacked me in the face til I passed out from the emotional and physical exhaustion of it all.
Just plain and simple, I wasn't ready.

Now I am.

Now I'm ready to give fully and freely. Nothing to control, eggshells to walk on, easy buttons to push.
Just want to enjoy long dates, wet kisses, strong hugs and late night conversations with the full knowledge that we are in this thing together.
Wanna hold his hand, sink into his embrace and know that "I got him".
Want him to look into my eyes, grab my hand and know that "he's got me".
Want us to be at the same place at the same PACE. Learning.

Both leaving the past behind and moving forward....full steam.
Don't want to be afraid of getting hurt or losing.
Don't want to worry about my flaws, failures, insecurities and past mistakes.
Just want to go with him, be with him, sing with him and dance with him.

I'm giving my heart, I've already decided.

"I'll play
what ever you say
If love is the end"


P.S. starting a NEW NEW job...like a real one....my first 9 to 5 well actually 8 to 4 in over 8 years

WOW....my feet gon be hurting!

blogwash

the new year will mark my anniversary of bloggin
1 year...I was late to bloggin..and it happened by accident
no one in my real life has one really
isn't that odd...so one late night I happened upon
unky then started my own....
met a lot of bloggers in these 12 months

and learned a few lessons

one thang fo sho...no back tracking

i love tiffy...she comes up with the best sayings...

anyways I'm getting off topic
I started writing this time last year cuz I'd just
started dating again after an extremely sad breakup

I started writing about my experiences because
they were all so new to me . I was finding out
for the first time what passion really was
and what love was all about

also discovered how emotionally disconnected
I was which left me questioning
what I really wanted and how could I get it.
I started to analyze everything!

all the hellos and all the goodbyes

this last one was 7 months in the making
but i'm not sad or hurt..

the one before that hurt because he didn't
even try to protect me

but with the protector
we knew it would end up like this
we talked about it over and over again
we knew what we were stepping into
we took the leap anyways
no regrets

for 2008 i'm working on me
before I jump into something
that I start and can't finish
i'm working on my insides
my heart

maybe someone will step to me
I won't have to work so hard
it will just come to me

Top 5 of what I want

1. an easy buttton - got one??

2. how do you put the past behind?

3. how do you move forward?

4. let go of mistakes and heartaches?

5. where do you go from here??

can't go there again...

I wonder
could I stand all the love you could give me
would I ruin it
stain it forever
maybe I can only love and not be loved back
maybe it hurts too much
maybe my wounds are so deep they can't be healed
I wonder if I could even give you what you deserve
in return
can I even love you with all my heart and
stand the happiness that comes with it
what if I can't truly let go of my insecurities
I wonder if my emotions are just too
overwhelming that they should be kept hidden always
maybe I'm better off alone
maybe I don't deserve your kind of love
what if I can't handle it
don't think I can
so I run

goodbye again
for good
because this time
he let go

------

You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through somehow
I've been torn apart so many times
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart
Somebody already broke my heart

bypass surgery...

you know what my prayer was last night...

..heavenly father please give me a patient heart..
see I have NO PATIENCE at all..when I want it I want it ASAP and generally
...heck almost always I go after it or I just get it or I call the right folks
to help me get it or I call the man to just get it for me but I gets it!

the one thing I can't control is my heart..

Its filled with lots of clogged components and sometimes the oxygen barely makes it to my brain causing me to jump in the arms of those that I think will save me, protect me and ultimately rescue me.

I get lightheaded with loneliness and I think "all I need is a skilled surgeon"...he'll fix me so I don't wait, I just check myself in and let his anesthesia do the work putting me in a dreamy state that I hardly remember the important things in life. For the moment the pain is numb and I allow myself to be healed {but not completely}. He patches me up at first then he pulls me down a path that is destructible. Often times I find this out too late and its hard to get out of it which causes chest pains and soon I know I'll need to reroute my emotions and all these uncontrollable impluses before I die. I don't want to die in surgery.

Thats why I need a heart that will wait. One that doesn't mind the slow
ride to succes. One that won't be settling on "what's right in front of me" or "whats available to me now". It has to be patient.

A heart filled with desire and discipline, one that can enjoy and survive
the long journey to. A heart that won't faint from the intensity of something real.

I want a heart that won't get so full, a glutton for punishment
...that won't overdose on the tainted, will take its time to the impossible
and what's meant to be - my destiny.

A heart that won't break because it loves too hard..a heart that will
balance and pace itself, a gradual increase, hanging in there for the long haul
waiting for the right one that can push thru the blockage, detour and
lead me to the finish line.

This procedure takes patience and thats something I don't have.