Sum of a Man...

Naturally when I'm single I daydream of lovers past and MAN! I've loved some beautiful men in my life, and I miss a little part of each of them.
I'm thinking right now...wouldn't it be nice to have them all in one man RIGHT NOW!!
Let's seee...
there was my protector, the writer..man his words would flow like liquid. Instant panty dropper! Not only that he was such a great spiritural advisor and counselor to me, I would cry on his shoulders for hours and he'd always have a solution. and when our time was up he fought for me over and over again. Sweet Temptation should be his nickname because our lovemaking was the best ever..so magnetic and everytime was a good time..orgasms after orgasms for days and nights at a time over and over again. we didn't have any reservations at all and we tried everything. (almost)
I don't think any other man would say I was as a great a lover as I was with him. He was a Sag..he was great with money and I was his student!

then there was the sweet as honey one. He was also my twin, my mirror..i saw the good and bad in me, in him. We had a lot of fun together. Damn he smelled good!
he was always with the "hey sweetie, hey baby" which I loved because I never had that before...The thing I love about him was that he was just so NICE..too nice almost. But at the time I need that we had similar personalities so we GOT each other. I needed affection and love and he gave me that.
he was so even keel and hardly even raised his voice. We didn't argue much and he didnt' start fights.. He didn't show his emotions at all really. But I miss that I could snuggle against him and feel so relaxed and warm in my heart..a truly great love.

oh there was the young clever one, from my home town, my crush, that showed me how great it feels to please someone...our fling didn't last long and we didn't see each other often but when we did I felt like I pleased him and left him satisfied. It pleased me to be around him and show him just how much I wanted him. He was the biggest flirt and I always felt wanted. I wasn't unselfish with him at all. Always the giver. He was a great writer also and I loved reading his words. He was also a music lover like me. Now that I think about it we did have a lot in common. It didn't go beyond a friends/fling/crush tho ..wasn't meant to be anything more than that. *sigh*

Then there was the virgo, my husband and best friend, a great father but ended up as a horrible husband in the end. However, we were great business partners and he had great ambition and drive. We started so many businesses and wrote so many plans for the future. We could dream up anything and make it happen. He is always hustling in his career and I still admire him that about him. I can never call him lazy thats for sure.

I often think of the guy that was such a great dancer that I would walk away from him trembling. I often think of the guy that was so spontaneous we'd just jump up and go. I didn't have to worry about anything he'd take care of all the details. I think of the guy that loved to travel and we had many adventures together. I sometimes think of the body builder that had the best body was the most healthiest of them all. We had great workouts together.
All come and gone...but they've all made me realize sometimes I truly want and never knew I wanted them.

I want a great lover, full of wisdom, thats healthy, that has a way with words, is ambitious, smart, loving, kind, tall, dark and handsome, is a go getter, a great lover ( did I say that), creative, loves music, is patient with us, has faith in us, protects me at all times and loves me for me..quirks and all...I am a gemini so there are many quirks! and I want all of this to come naturally!

I want the sum of all the men that have touched a little part of my life and captured a space in my heart.

Is that too much to ask??

Empty...

Fasting
cleanse me
of past
residue
film of
angst
Feeling
release me
with song
resonate
deep within
heartache

gone baby, don't be long...

So e badu caught a case over the window seat video (actually I think she was fined for $500 and almost got arrested) Didn't she say she wanted to get arrested??

I've watched it maybe 3 times I know its deeper than what I interpreted it to be but why is everyone going apeshit over it? really???

Its not worse than what they do while filming real world, jerseylicious, jersey shore and XY and Z (enter any reality tv show here)
All the women on those shows show their titties (yeah I said TITTIES) and them boys show there asses!
and what about all the boobs for beads at mardigras did they get fined or arrested? I don't get it
Damn if I were a boy!

I was up this am at 4am listening and reading all the lyrics, Krush bought me the album he's always so up on the music way before I am
the words are so deep and real and I can relate them to my life down to a tee!

"Get Munny" is my current fav but "Can't turn me away, I believe in your heart, I'll always want to stay......

well let me get to sleep it is now 6 something...must do church in a few hours...

vain...or NOT

I'm wondering if I'm vain as I sit at my desk at work checking my mirror 15,000 times.

Am I vain?? Do I think I look good?

What am I checking for? Is my gray showing? Do I have food in my teeth? Boogers in my nose?? Zits on my cheeks? Chin hair? Crust in my eyes?? Wax in my ears??

Why am I obsessing over my looks??? Such a gemini...happy one minute...frowning the next.


But really...why do I feel like all eyes on me? Is it my looks...my physical features? Do you see something you like?

Or are you checking for blemishes and moles?? Are you looking for something out of place??
I feel myself doing this to everyone around me...even the champ..drives him crazy!! I'm plucking his eyebrows...constantly squeezing his face...What's wrong with me??
am I obsessed with perfection...???


I feel like everything is out of place...out of sync.... but by what standards??

I want a new haircut, I want my old body back, I want a manicure and a pedicure, I want the hair on my legs to stop growing, I want my lips fuller, I want these freckles and moles off my face. Why? I dunno

Who am I trying to impress? I dunno

Why allasudden? I dunno

I'm just not proud of how I look right now..TODAY.. so how could I be vain?

Is it because I think everyone is looking at me...talking about me...thinking about me....measuring my accomplishments, analyzing my salary, guessing my intentions, judging my work and weighing my emotions. I'm afraid they will see right through me...will they think I'm fake? that I have been faking? that I don't know all the answers, I make mistakes, I have flaws.

Will they be able to see past that..see past it all and into my heart?? Am I a fraud?...I don't have it together or do I??..cuz I damn sho made it thru 40 years and I have a very bless - sed life. I'm sure of it.

So Am I going through a midlife crisis?? Whats wrong with me TODAY??

....my saving grace is that I've started my gratitude journal again..after putting it down 3 years ago..no wonder the past 2 years have been so tough ... I need to get back to acknowledging all THAT I have instead of fussing over what I want and how I should look.

*double sigh*

we put on...

the "blind date" part was the only true part of "how did you guys meet"?

we have not told our family members we met online..why?

our story is a friend of a friend who works with a friend of a coworker hooked us up...and they are okay with that?? WOW...

why is it bad that we met and fell in love online? I don't hang out at clubs, I barely leave the 15 mile radius around my home and job so it was just natural I'd meet someone online since I spend most of my time on the computer.

We didn't meet thru a dating service..DAMN we didn't even met thru a mutual friend
WE innocently started chatted online, I asked him about places to hang downtown, he invited me out telling me he'd show me around, we were just gonna be friends. We both told ourselves that.
I got sick the weekend of..and nervous about dating someone that lived so close. I almost cancelled completely...
But I gathered my courage and we had a great first date...I knew right away I wanted to be more than just friends with the Champ.

I've never dated anyone in Atlanta in the 11 years I've lived here except for the man that I was married to and we never went out... so its been a treat to be involved with someone close who can show me around the city. He's like a handmade blanket to me, so comforting and warm and I really enjoy being in his presence.

Every single weekend since we've met have been ours..we've always been together...they've been filled with concerts (even whodini), movies (Vantage Point, sex in the city, Hulk, Ironman, 21, Wanted, Kung Fu Panda), basketball, kids, fireworks, tattoos, the Easter Bunny, his mom, my family, his sister, scrabble, restuarants..tons of FOOD and DRINKS!!!, even the modern dance (Alvin Ailey), lots of MUSIC, the pool, stonemountain hikes, well ONE stone mountain hike, x-rated scrabble, visits to the SEX TOY SHOP, a book reading, a shared birthday, and most importantly love..just love, love, love.

so why is it bad we met online?? why come we gotta put on for our family AND FRIENDS??

question...

WHY COME...i've developed this bad sleeping habit..passing out after work at 5pm and waking up at 10pm???..groggy, grumpy, thirsty and all alone...all other work folks heading to bed, all sleepy, can't talk...

"just me, myself and I...that's all I got in the endddddddddddddddddd"

nuffin on tv..I'm not even interested in the mole...I need off beat celebrities on there to keep me entertained.


"welcome to HOLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYwoood"
"I see your jealousy as you watching me
(I see you watching me baby)
You watching (Its all good)
It's kinda sexy to me how you watching me (I love it)
You watching me"

guess I will watch my BEYONCE EXPERIENCE DVD over and over ... I'm so addicted to it.

Her body is amazing and the costumes hit all the right spots...





Its made me a super fan of BEY BEY. I mean I rocked the cd for a straight year in heavy rotation..BUT girlfriend gets DOWN in this concert!!!!!


I'm just mad she sung all of her duets ALONE..I wanted to see more than 5 seconds of Jay Z and Destiny's Child...How you gon sing ALL OF 12 Destiny Child songs and not include them???


She didn't invite Sean Paul or Shakira????...*sigh* shiddddddddddd at least bring out Bun B....Slim Thug??



The only "flaws..." was her rendition of Jill Scott's "He loves me" HATED IT!

and the "crank dat" soldier boy dance..WOW could've done without that...

then the angel surrounding her with crocodile tears when she did Flaws and all......HMMMMM not believable AT ALL!!! BUT NOW I LOVE THAT SONG!!!

The lil Chicago parody was FIYAH...her female dancers can be so gangsta one minute then graceful ballerinas the next then belly dancers then next then ...ok lemme stop

Overall to me her voice was strong, the lacefront was fierce with the fan blowing thru it non stop and I'm still mesmerized by the dancers...."drop down scrub the flo wit it"















hopefully they will ease me back into dreamland tonight earlier than 2am like last night..I gotta wake up and pay by "bills, bills, bills..."

the art of noise...

Its no secret that words get me and
I use words to get a reaction
I admit that
lyrically i'm...

but
talking too much during sex WooooW
has this happened to you..the guy is too chattybratty???
the girl just won't shut up??

I admit it I LOVE FOR A MAN to whisper in my ear
all the things I love to hear like

"give it to me baby"
"I know you got one more for me baby"
"tell me how you want it baby"

dAYUM that gets me

but sometimes I wonder if what I'm saying is good to him
or is it a distraction

have you ever wanted to say

"shut up baby"

LMAO!

TOP 5...

1) whats the sexiest thing you've heard during

2) whats the goofiest

3) what do you fantasize about hearing

4) are you the most talkative one

5) would you prefer silence??

what cha'll know bout beat box???

quiet please....

overachievers anonymous....

I spent the BEST WEEKEND EVER with my girls from da BURG....we've known each other half our lives and we've all experienced the same things JUST at different times of our lives....
we shopped together, went to church together, cried together, listened to go-go (Sardines HEY and pork n beans) and house music and drank so much booze together it was ridiculous...
my friend had a full blown bar IN HER HOUSE..we concocted every drink imaginable and we went thru 4 yearbooks, 6 photo albums and 2 dean and deluca bags of photos!

I'm gonna post some my college photos because truly they show the TRUE ME! WOW!
from the spandex biker shorts and reeboks, to the too big for my face eyeglasses, to the size 2 cheerleading outfit, to all the OMEGA man we chased and devoured (we had 2 albums alone of all of our que boyfriends) WOW! we wore pink timbalands, leather trenchcoats with magenta sweatsuits...we smelled like liz claiborne realities and we listened to Maureen by Sade 24/7

those were the days...but anyways..

the most important part of the weekend was just how all of our conversation centered around the men in our lives...past, present and what we want in the future...

and there was only one complaint
Why are men intimidated by women that are doing well for themselves?

wtf?? I read so many blogs daily written by men talking about how he wants his woman to be successful/have a hustle (right sbm??) , cook, have a nice body, give him head on a regular basis and let him hang with his boys from time to time

but when we make too much money they feel inadequate
when we feed them too much they get santa bellies and blame our mashed potatoes
when our bodies are all hard and we got the 6-pack they look at themselves with disgust
when we give them head...well they don't complain about that but they always want more

and when we let them hang with the boys...they do stooopid shit!

but the main theme that got me is that when a man has someone that can pay her bills on time, buy them special gifts, treat them to dinners and movies
the man feels less than a man
he then wants to feel more needed and more than likely turns to someone that is NEEDY!!!
he turns away from the I- N- D- E- P-E - N -D - E- N- T woman to someone that has nothing going on...

men say they don't want a woman without any dreams but when we have too many they say we are being extravagant or unrealistic
one BFF's boyfriend said her house was too big
one BFF's boyfriend said she should downsize from her truck to a car
shit I've had guys say they were intimidated because I worked all the time

its like men bitch and moan about wining and dining women but when they meet a women that doesn't need alladat they complain, rebel and end up finding someone that does....

*sigh*
men gotta love em...."I eat em in the morning and I eat em in the night"

18 vs. 40

why come i gotta be
a cougar
cuz i'm crushin on
chris brown
he's literally shoved
down my throat on the
radio, tv, utube....
my cousins crib
can't escape
the lovey dovey
kiss-kiss

i'm saying i'm almost 40
I look almost 30
looking for someone almost 20
he's 18

what??

Top 5: cougar-isms
1. 40+
2.sexy/attractive
3. mentally stable
4. financially stable
5. in control

know one??

blog-normality....

so what is proper blog etiquette??

when is it okay to leave a comment?? only after someone has commented on yours??

how long do you lurk before commenting?? do you just lurk on some blogs and never comment?

when do you add people to your blogroll?? after they've added you, after they've had x amount of comments on your blog??

how many crushes is too many blog crushes?? LOL

this month marks my 1st anniversary of blogging and I still feel new to the game....I have a lot of blog favs and I comment as much as possible and some are on my blogroll but blogland does seem very clique-ish to me still.

I wonder if I've broken any rules. I added, subtracted and re-added folks to my blogroll over and over again. Most folk are there just cuz I enjoy reading their blogs and its fine that they never comment here. Most folk are there because they do comment here and I appreciate that. and most folk are here because i'm on their roll.


and some people I read I want to keep private (don't want anyone else to know about them) lol


i know one site in particular I've commented a few times but did not get that welcome vibe so I never went back....partially because I wasn't a member this invisible club and maybe she didn't want me there...i felt the icy cold and now I just lurk...why?

isn't that so high-school-ish?? are there really blog snobs??

How do you feel when you leave comments but the host never responds to your comments??

and what about the lurkers...read but won't comment..so why read..why not say something?? anything?

if you've ever felt unwelcomed here..email me!!!

i've been getting 75-100 hits aday with only a few comments..maybe I need to find something else to talk about... maybe I should just post photos

that's so blog-ish! why??

do you have any friends in your real life that reads your blog?? I have 2 and it causes problems and sometimes I censor

some people just can't know your every thought....why?

what chu know??

Hollywood is such a game..part 2 (oh i'll post part 1 another day) its still on my phone..

n e ways...

I'm such a celebreality junkie! damn!
I wish I wasn't but I am
I love reading about their lives,
their kids, their fuk ups, their triumphs.
Somehow I feel like I'm some distant
cousin following their careers so that
when I see them at grandmamama's
and 'em at Thanksgiving I'll be up-to-date
but alas they are not my cousins and we've
never shared turkey, stuffing or
sweet potato pie.
Still my thoughts stay glued on them.
How do they make it thru each day
living under a microscope? Every flaw
magnified 100x..I'd crack, I really would
I mean everyday to see and hear something
negative being said and written about you over
and over again...and most of it is lies and
exaggerated...I realize
but still its gotta piss you off most times if not all!

I would have to create yet another personality
{I have too many as it is} but for real...I'd be like
Beyonce vs. Sasha...cuz then I'd be like
"they talking about her" her being the stage personality
not me..the real me...Those are Sasha's clothes sewn by momma,
her lace front , her shoes that are fierce...
me? i'm just regular bey bey...my hair is thin
and I have split ends just like errybody else.

to be real.

yeah that helps me sleep better at night.