slowly, surely...

If he never lifts his hands to meet my touch
If he never stretches his arm to meet my hugs
If he never leans in to meet my kiss
If his outsides never meet my insides

does he ever really feel me?


"i just don't know, where i should go, so, slowly, surely, I walk away from love"

she's just a friend...

damn how many times have we heard this over and over again..thanks to the Nobody beats the Biz! M-a-r-K-I-E!!

I don't get the guys that ONLY have female friends..and thats it...I have a problem with that..

and I admit it..if I'm wrong say I'm wrong..

All and let me repeat..ALL the men in my life have been romantically involved with me at some point in time or want to be...there never was any middle ground..so based on my experience if you are hanging with a dude you've been with him before or you want to and vice versa if you are a dude that has only female friends you have been with at least one of them and you'd like to get closer to the other.

This doesn't apply to those dudes that have equal amounts of male and female friends that they hang out with on the regular...i'm not talking about you..

I'm talking about the dudes that ONLY have female friends..and when they have girlfriends this becomes a problem..

why you say...

because...you will have a convo like this

Boyfriend: hey baby I'm going to hang with Lisa
Girlfriend: Just Lisa? Just you 2 out at a bar drinking??
BF: Yes..you know we are just friends
GF: hmmm no I do not know that....

She's thinking either they fucked and it didn't work out or go to the next level or somewhere down the road they will eventually fuck..Or they kissed and it got awkward so they never pursued for "fear of ruining a good friendship" BULLSHIT
as somepoint in time you guys were intimate...or will be.

and then you will have a convo like this after you guys eventually break up over your need to hang with said female friends

Him: I'm hanging at bar XYZ with Lisa tonight since I really couldn't hang with her while we were dating..I neglected our friendship
Her: Just you and Lisa
Him: Yeah you don't like bars anyways
Her: You are joking right??
Him: No

BULLSHIT!

Call me crazy but every guy I've gone out with wants sex at some point if we haven't already gone down that road..and If we fucked before 10 times out of 10 he will want to do it again...he will pretend to be friendly in the beginning but best believe he's thinking about it..the chick also!

So if I'm dating someone tall, dark and handsome and he constantly wants to hang with his female BFFs I gotta a problem..whats the motive here??
Because these are most likely single women looking for a man so I'm thinking is he with her to discretly scope out more girls while she's checking for dudes or what??

Like I'm mad you don't have any male friends to balance all this shit out..granted they may get you into more trouble but you still need that male bonding as well.

And what about those relationships that end on a good note..you guys go your separate ways but say "baby I love you lets be friends".and so you start out that way but in the back of your mind you are thinking "if i really want to have sex with him/her again , we can make it happen"

so there comes the time when he gets a NEW girlfriend...
then the old girlfriend (now the female BFF) says..
Her: hey lets' go get a drink at a bar, I miss you, we were so great together
him: let me check with my NEW girlfriend
her: just tell her we are JUST friends
him: she won't go for that but whatever
her: cool I will see you soon, then one things leads to another

you follow this bullshit circle???

baggage left...finally...

"My foolish heart was broken
when he left us in the cold.
Now I’m left to fix the pieces."

Exactly how I felt 3 years ago when my ex husband left us for 8 weeks and then ultimately for good to be with another woman. We absolutely lost everything without the energy to put up a fight.
Didn't think I would ever get over that. Somehow I did, I had to, had no choice.
I think if there was a build up, if we had a horrible marriage, some kind of warning then I would've been prepared for the inevitable , I thought I had the epitome of a stable marriage til the air was knocked out of my stomach. I kept asking "What did I do??" In the past I
looked down at women that complained about their husbands and had men on the side.
I was in it for the long haul. I made my bed and I was comfy and cozy in it.
Until the day I found out he wanted out and had already spent a year working on another relationship. and to think I was so happy to be married to him , thought I had my whole life figured out. WOW!
I didn't know any better.
Getting back at him was never a goal for me. I was too numb for revenge.

The best revenge is her calling me asking me to help her with him. HUH?? The problems you guys are having I never had with him. I listened anyways. She talked about how controlling and evil he is with her. He was never like that with me. Please don't call again for advice as I have none. Goodbye to you both.

Back then I was in survival mode and that's all I thought about. I kept my friends and family on the outside and all of my pain in the inside. Until recently.
Now a commerical, a tv show, something the kids will say, or this song will bring it all to surface. Right at a time when love has found me again all the pain is seeping out. Purging to make room for something deeper and pure.
I went thru so many years of being quiet that I didn't feel or voice anything about my divorce.
I pushed it to the bottom of my soul. The minute I started to feel again, The minute I started to love again all of my barriers melted away and all the baggage came rushing around.
As I was loving him I was hating the him of my past. I love you in one conversation to I can't talk to you ever again in the next conversation. Emotional rollercoaster all day , every day.
Love and hate. Wore them on my sleeve everyday. How exhausted I was.

A few months ago I finally said "is it me, something I've done that makes you treat me this way" and he simply said "no , you've done nothing" and with that I was able to let it all go. Just like that. It wasn't me at all. I forgave him. I forgive myself. Enough is Enough. I'm done.
I wasted so much energy these past few years that I will never get back but I'm enjoying the new years I'm making with a light heart and less pain.
I'm sure every now and then something else will take me back down memory lane and all I have to do is look to my side or look in front of me and see all the love I have all around me.

"I won’t let you keep (keep) hurting me, if you gone keep causing me pain."

lost...

people come in and out of your life so often
doesn't make sense til they are gone
or back again
a maze of unknowns and why comes
making you feel
as if you were misunderstood,
under educated,
selfish and not deserving
no inspiration,
no desire,
desperate to find a solution
to life's big question



what next?

"i used to be so well rounded"

blogwash

the new year will mark my anniversary of bloggin
1 year...I was late to bloggin..and it happened by accident
no one in my real life has one really
isn't that odd...so one late night I happened upon
unky then started my own....
met a lot of bloggers in these 12 months

and learned a few lessons

one thang fo sho...no back tracking

i love tiffy...she comes up with the best sayings...

anyways I'm getting off topic
I started writing this time last year cuz I'd just
started dating again after an extremely sad breakup

I started writing about my experiences because
they were all so new to me . I was finding out
for the first time what passion really was
and what love was all about

also discovered how emotionally disconnected
I was which left me questioning
what I really wanted and how could I get it.
I started to analyze everything!

all the hellos and all the goodbyes

this last one was 7 months in the making
but i'm not sad or hurt..

the one before that hurt because he didn't
even try to protect me

but with the protector
we knew it would end up like this
we talked about it over and over again
we knew what we were stepping into
we took the leap anyways
no regrets

for 2008 i'm working on me
before I jump into something
that I start and can't finish
i'm working on my insides
my heart

maybe someone will step to me
I won't have to work so hard
it will just come to me

Top 5 of what I want

1. an easy buttton - got one??

2. how do you put the past behind?

3. how do you move forward?

4. let go of mistakes and heartaches?

5. where do you go from here??

can't go there again...

I wonder
could I stand all the love you could give me
would I ruin it
stain it forever
maybe I can only love and not be loved back
maybe it hurts too much
maybe my wounds are so deep they can't be healed
I wonder if I could even give you what you deserve
in return
can I even love you with all my heart and
stand the happiness that comes with it
what if I can't truly let go of my insecurities
I wonder if my emotions are just too
overwhelming that they should be kept hidden always
maybe I'm better off alone
maybe I don't deserve your kind of love
what if I can't handle it
don't think I can
so I run

goodbye again
for good
because this time
he let go

------

You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through somehow
I've been torn apart so many times
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart
Somebody already broke my heart

same ole dizzy hangup....

I'm the aggressor and I'm the quitter...gemini
I go after what I want, I get it... then I think of ways to end it or how it will end and sometimes I lay in wake crying about the ending before its even close to ending..even when its right at the beginning I still think of it ending...so my first defense is to give up and not even fight for it anymore, don't want to fight for anything or work hard at it all.

Its like I've become addicted to saying goodbye. Addicted to having something so good then letting it go. I keep my self in this circle of having then pushing away
or getting and then setting it free
do I feel I don't deserve it or its just a sin to have it or is he not worth it or is it just a "meaningless distraction"..
Pro you know what I mean...so why do we bother??

I don't know..the thrill of the chase?? which is so cliche but it is what keeps most of us going
and getting what we want....which ultimately ends in a bad goodbye for me

I can't tell you how many times I've been dropped off at an airport after the most memorable getaway only to have it end in a big fight ... couldn't even say goodbye
walking away from him just cuz it was never meant to be in the first place..it wasn't real in the first place, it needed to end in the first place..another "meaningless distraction"

or how many times someone has left my house that I didn't really want there in the first place...the thrill is getting them there...5 minutes later I'm already bored

this has happened to me sooooooo many times...but I think this time I'm gonna stop doing the going after, the hunter stalking her prey..any prey....not even thinking of the intake and how it will affect my body. this time, the next time i'm just waiting for it to come to me

like they said in scarface

"say goodnight to the bad guy"

Expectation Level: green

Low....
he had her at RED
just realized it today
that she escalated it to
FIRE
her not him
oh he used to
he brought her there
then left her to wonder
expect too much
now she's
no longer expecting him to stay
expecting him to call
re arrange his life for her
realized today
dayum what took so long
her expectations have been
in
an unrealistic bubble
that just happened to burst today
why today of all days
like that watermelon bubbalicious
when she was a lil girl
dreaming of dreams that
seemed impossible
but he could make come true
he did
then packed them off
in a neat lil box

she let him
and she knew what was
to come
but still
the expectations were so high
knowing it couldn't last
but still all in
knowing she couldn't keep it up
wasn't that type
but still going deeper
finding out
his supply was under
someone else's demands

took her too much time to
find out
open her eyes and see
she would never be
what she expected to be
to him
that was a faity tale
fantasy in her head
not his
that at first she denied
she wanted
then took it
pulled it out
and he grabbed it back
right from under her feet
and she fell
and now today she
decides to get up
finally
with my help

a fool to love me....

angry, upset or jealous?
pick one
his emotions not mine
his feelings not mine
hurt em before they hurt you
body no longer a recess
for hours of play
dodge ball, kick ball
slide, swing then twirl
elementary school games
time to ride a more suitable
suitor
someone dateable
in the open, free and seen
inaccessible to him
so he's mad, boy is he mad
territorial and sad
can't see my playground
filled with new ones
hopefully he'll just fade to black
the background
to wonder and ponder
it's killing him
to not have this anymore
he's dying to taste
once more
must've been a fool
to him
laughed
Hollywood type lies
and cover ups
kissed my lips
like soap opera actors
walked all over me
like an amusement park stroller
rollercoasters and haunted houses
thrill wides and shockwaves
turned in my season pass
his Queens Dominion
no more