near and with me....

he asked me why I left
total silence
a new season, a new me
the old me, the woe is me
fear upon me
couldn't articulate my feelings
frozen
hushed
couldn't state my case
he was my only voice of reason
my haven of balance and maturity

had to leave him
run
flee
fly to sanity
outside our bubble
be free or burn together
this circle of love
that was pierced by
pride and uncertainty
caught in my throat
I wanted to
but I couldn't
I needed to
but I wouldn't
not again
choking now
on my tears
so I ran
and I didn't say why

my valentine....

he's black and hot....my MR. COFFEE....LOVE HIM!!!



...my vday gift from DAD...not that *daddy* (protector)

but my biological DAD (you remember the crazy one)



I've been on the horn with TIFFY all week about how I wanted a coffee maker...and this is what I got...called DAD and told him my bank account needed a refresher and he hooked me up.



So I bought this and this...i love coffee mugs








I rented Why Did I Get Married and bought The Best Man





The Protector and I didn't make plans and had no expectations....we are broken up anyways..right

*sigh*

so I have plans with myself, my coffee and my movies.



Got a job interview tomorrow early (so i'm posting this now) then I have the rest of the day off to pamper myself and rest up for my girls weekend!

go gee - dub!!!

blogwash

the new year will mark my anniversary of bloggin
1 year...I was late to bloggin..and it happened by accident
no one in my real life has one really
isn't that odd...so one late night I happened upon
unky then started my own....
met a lot of bloggers in these 12 months

and learned a few lessons

one thang fo sho...no back tracking

i love tiffy...she comes up with the best sayings...

anyways I'm getting off topic
I started writing this time last year cuz I'd just
started dating again after an extremely sad breakup

I started writing about my experiences because
they were all so new to me . I was finding out
for the first time what passion really was
and what love was all about

also discovered how emotionally disconnected
I was which left me questioning
what I really wanted and how could I get it.
I started to analyze everything!

all the hellos and all the goodbyes

this last one was 7 months in the making
but i'm not sad or hurt..

the one before that hurt because he didn't
even try to protect me

but with the protector
we knew it would end up like this
we talked about it over and over again
we knew what we were stepping into
we took the leap anyways
no regrets

for 2008 i'm working on me
before I jump into something
that I start and can't finish
i'm working on my insides
my heart

maybe someone will step to me
I won't have to work so hard
it will just come to me

Top 5 of what I want

1. an easy buttton - got one??

2. how do you put the past behind?

3. how do you move forward?

4. let go of mistakes and heartaches?

5. where do you go from here??

I've been shown....

yes i know you
because you make my heart sore
then you make my heart soar
you make me believe I can do it all
because with me you do it all
the highest highs, but not the lowest lows
the biggest grins
from hittin' your freely given skins
sharing the whole of me
and giving it freely
because you desire it
inspire it
add fire to it
send me searching for my breath
rarely finding it

i know you
because
you are
the other side
of me

*******



have a great week coming together!!!
I'll be with my grandmama and em..eating all kinds of good food, playing spades and chillin with all my cousins!
ENJOY!!

can't go there again...

I wonder
could I stand all the love you could give me
would I ruin it
stain it forever
maybe I can only love and not be loved back
maybe it hurts too much
maybe my wounds are so deep they can't be healed
I wonder if I could even give you what you deserve
in return
can I even love you with all my heart and
stand the happiness that comes with it
what if I can't truly let go of my insecurities
I wonder if my emotions are just too
overwhelming that they should be kept hidden always
maybe I'm better off alone
maybe I don't deserve your kind of love
what if I can't handle it
don't think I can
so I run

goodbye again
for good
because this time
he let go

------

You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through somehow
I've been torn apart so many times
I've been hurt so many times before
So I'm counting on you now

Somebody already broke my heart
Somebody already broke my heart

temperature rising...

I know I said
that I would keep it clean
but its the morning after
and Daddy's Home
my emotions could fill the superdome
he's so amazing, makes my heart leap
visions of last nights reunion
robs me of much needed sleep
can't get it out of my head
how I took him so deep

even now i want to devour him
inside my wet and juicy mouth
he's got a penis shaped hershey bar
want to lick it north and south

grant his every wish
so I awaken him with a kiss
with my tongue a faint trace
did I tell you I love chocolate?
any time and any place?

not shocked at all when like
the sun he rises
its like dick on demand
with a few other surprises
on my back and between my thigh-es

soon he flips me over
and has his way with me
filling me wave after wave
as the ocean does the sea
and he takes me there
you know where
without a thought
without a care

headboard banging against the wall
like there's a fight down the hall
nothing like that going down
just grown folk going to town

I've had my breakfast
and there's a smile on my face
need my vitamins to match his pace
damn its like the amazing race

city to city and back with him
sprinting, biking and marathon swims
need to catch my second wind
gain momentum , go with the flow
its only 5am
gotta a whole DAY to go

I can make you shine...

If nothing else
he has sustained me
assisted me
in finding my worth
calls me out when
I run to the ones
that didn't know
what I had to offer
only took what I gave
without any payback
because that's what I do
run to the old
perform
relinquish my soul
to the familiar
and then rush to the next one
always searching
never finding

he pleads for me to
stop sending the emails
of apologies
for what?
things I didn't do
couldn't control
i'm sorry
for what??
persecute myself
and allow others to
do the same
why?
I'm going to need
for you to stop that

still he shows me
over and over again
that i'm worthy of that
divine love
that I dream about
and hope for

why not?
he's my remote control
turning me on
with no set timer
his words burn me
his eyes see right thru me
his hands glide over
every inch of me
erasing previous
attempts at love
unrequited

my channels still turning
from new to old and
back to favorites and the last one
going in circles
he inserts in his hand
and stops the cycle
please stop doing this
can't you see the damage?

why can't I stop myself
why can't I see me
he's my mirror
the past and the future
shows me everything
the things I can't see
the things right in front of me
i'm so blind with some things
others 20/20

pulls me out of
victim mentality
turns my loose bulb
when its about to go out
ignites my flame
when the fire gets low
covers me when I'm wet
and cold
left by the side of the road
abandoned and pushed aside
picks me up

he protects me
from them
he can't from him