get me bodied....

Week 4 of full court press in the gym...and I'm in a groove!

I'm really seeing a difference..mainly in my arms and legs..I need to get more concentrated on my mid section!

I've been doing 5 days a week so far and its hard on my injured knee but I can feel it getting stronger and not as fatigued as it used to get..

so my schedule has been :
1 day with coach on the circuit weights
1 day cardio kickboxing
1 day of zumba (dance)
1 day weights and step interval
1 day of Power Pump (weights with bar, ball, and other props I'm so uncoordinated with)

Of course I mix this up, can't do the same thing everyday!

So far this works out for me and what I'm trying to do.

My goal is not to get thin but to get toned and lean and lose my TUMMY!

The thing is the more I work out the more I want to eat and YOU can not eat everything in sight just because you are working out! Its tempting but DON't do it!!!

I've tried to eliminate rice and other white enemies but its soooooooooooo hard.

Also my HAIR is becoming a problem...washing it almost everyday its getting old. and because I wash it everyday I gotta color it more...the grays have taken over.
I'm trying to not let this discourage me but it is a pain in my ASS.


I hope I can keep all this up once I find a job. Or maybe I'll just become a permanent stay at home mom that watches the soaps and hits the gym religiously!!

nah..can't afford to and I'd go stir crazy!!!

In the meantime (and between time) I'm handing in there, watching what I eat and taking tons of before and after photos but most of them are half naked so I can't post here..

but here's one of me taken last week


check those arms yo! no underarm FLAB baby!!


"there goes my babyyyyyy...."

Gemini Girl's Bday wishlist

6 weeks and counting....

Already working on my WISH LIST...

SO FAR I WANT....

A bedroom makeover...I want a new mattress, headboard (that I want to make myself), new sheets, spreads, pillows...the whole works. I want the colors to be Bright and bold ! Reds, Yellows...

A NEW SEXY RED DRESS...Since my body is getting TIGHTER I need to show if off..I think 6 weeks is enough time to lose the love handles, muffin top and the back fat....

KILLA LIPSTICK...mac w/ Hello Kitty..the colors are fantastic!

NEW RED SHOES.....I've been lusting over these by Brian Atwood..so sexy!

New Pots and Pan..I know to you that may seem boring..but I need and want some SO BAD!!!

and I would be remiss if I didn't mention a new Coach bag..been my obsession for 20+ years....#80sbaby

Now I just need a sponsor (or a dayum job)!!! whatever

follow me...2009

I had a dream about our President Elect last night and this song was playing in the background

Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go

I don’t know everything
But there’s something I do know
I’ve read and heard a lot
And now I’m ready to show

That we can come together
And think like one
Come together now
Live together underneath the sun

Please, please let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go

Follow me, my friend

Just put your trust in me
I’ll try not to let you down
The job is hard to do
But only we can work this out
'Cause we can help each other to overcome
We can do it
We can do it now
Rejoice everybody
And get the job done
Please, please, please
Just let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go

Follow me my friend

Help each other to overcome
We can do it
We can do it, now
Live together underneath the sun

Please, please, please
Just let me show you
Let me show you
Let me show you the way to go
I swear I’ll never let you down
(Follow me, follow me)

Put your hand in mine
We can do it
We can work it out

vain...or NOT

I'm wondering if I'm vain as I sit at my desk at work checking my mirror 15,000 times.

Am I vain?? Do I think I look good?

What am I checking for? Is my gray showing? Do I have food in my teeth? Boogers in my nose?? Zits on my cheeks? Chin hair? Crust in my eyes?? Wax in my ears??

Why am I obsessing over my looks??? Such a gemini...happy one minute...frowning the next.


But really...why do I feel like all eyes on me? Is it my looks...my physical features? Do you see something you like?

Or are you checking for blemishes and moles?? Are you looking for something out of place??
I feel myself doing this to everyone around me...even the champ..drives him crazy!! I'm plucking his eyebrows...constantly squeezing his face...What's wrong with me??
am I obsessed with perfection...???


I feel like everything is out of place...out of sync.... but by what standards??

I want a new haircut, I want my old body back, I want a manicure and a pedicure, I want the hair on my legs to stop growing, I want my lips fuller, I want these freckles and moles off my face. Why? I dunno

Who am I trying to impress? I dunno

Why allasudden? I dunno

I'm just not proud of how I look right now..TODAY.. so how could I be vain?

Is it because I think everyone is looking at me...talking about me...thinking about me....measuring my accomplishments, analyzing my salary, guessing my intentions, judging my work and weighing my emotions. I'm afraid they will see right through me...will they think I'm fake? that I have been faking? that I don't know all the answers, I make mistakes, I have flaws.

Will they be able to see past that..see past it all and into my heart?? Am I a fraud?...I don't have it together or do I??..cuz I damn sho made it thru 40 years and I have a very bless - sed life. I'm sure of it.

So Am I going through a midlife crisis?? Whats wrong with me TODAY??

....my saving grace is that I've started my gratitude journal again..after putting it down 3 years ago..no wonder the past 2 years have been so tough ... I need to get back to acknowledging all THAT I have instead of fussing over what I want and how I should look.

*double sigh*

call it a crime...

I just realized this morning driving into work that I haven't had much to write about because I'm happy...I've been looking for my happy place..I'm in my happy place...I'm on my way to a happier place

I'm one of those people that could write and express myself better on paper when I'm sad, depressed, emotionally distraught and feeling blue.

When I'm happy I keep those feelings in, to myself, holding them close and never letting them out for fear they will get away from me..for fear they will be stolen from me never to return.

I wrote some of my best work on my old blog because I was heartbroken, soul searching and confused...the more my heart breaks the more I'm able to express myself.

When I'm happy and content I choke and keep those feelings inside, which reminds me of this by Marianne Williamson


Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
It is our light not our darkness that frightens us
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us
It is not just in some of us
It is in everyone
And as we let our own light shine
We unconsciously give permission to other people
To do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear
Our presence automatically liberates others

on another note: I'd be even happier if I had NELLY in my life!

"You can go search but you never could find,
I promise you derrty I'm one of a kind. "

if love is the end....

Would you be willing to give your full heart if you knew true love was the end??

I've been evaluating the past 2 years since my marriage ended and I'm so over it. DONE.
I've kissed a few frogs and even a saint and the results were always the same. LONELINESS.

I've put myself in situations, false relationships, unconsciously that I knew had no future.
Made myself available to the unavailable because maybe in my heart I knew I wasn't ready
for something more permanent and that could be and would be all mine.
When you know its not gonna work you don't even try. When you know that person is not worthy of your love you don't give it all you've got. Sometimes you think you don't derseve it.
Maybe you know they don't deserve. Everything is hard and forced,
Nothing is easy, there is always a struggle.
I wasn't strong enough, stable enough, healthy enough anyway. I wasnt ready for the relationship I dreamed of, desired and planned for. Couldn't fully accept it anyway. Couldn't fully let go of the past anyway. There was a wall, sometimes it was invisible and sometimes it smacked me in the face til I passed out from the emotional and physical exhaustion of it all.
Just plain and simple, I wasn't ready.

Now I am.

Now I'm ready to give fully and freely. Nothing to control, eggshells to walk on, easy buttons to push.
Just want to enjoy long dates, wet kisses, strong hugs and late night conversations with the full knowledge that we are in this thing together.
Wanna hold his hand, sink into his embrace and know that "I got him".
Want him to look into my eyes, grab my hand and know that "he's got me".
Want us to be at the same place at the same PACE. Learning.

Both leaving the past behind and moving forward....full steam.
Don't want to be afraid of getting hurt or losing.
Don't want to worry about my flaws, failures, insecurities and past mistakes.
Just want to go with him, be with him, sing with him and dance with him.

I'm giving my heart, I've already decided.

"I'll play
what ever you say
If love is the end"


P.S. starting a NEW NEW job...like a real one....my first 9 to 5 well actually 8 to 4 in over 8 years

WOW....my feet gon be hurting!

shoot the moon....

neva know til you try it....


posting this for TIFFY..my eyebrows...













I've neva eva eva altered them cept for a few plucks here and there

thinking bout getting them waxed this week...shape them up...
I want them bushy and full but toned down..something to add to my
beauty regime.

what have you added lately??

I'm pretty low maintenance..I like to keep it simple but
for the new year I want to try some new things

shake it up a little..maybe a new hair color??

oh and I've started a new project...day 3 ;)

this body of mine...

I've been taking tons of photos of various parts of my body lately..Exploring how other people see me. Asking myself how do I look nekkid? Do I really look good in tight jeans. Should I go up in a bra size? Does anyone else notice how dry my feet are??
Pictures help...cuz its hard to just look in a mirror and step back and really see yourself...

First off I have a lot of freckles and moles..wow!! what's the difference??? i dunno
and I have a lot of HAIR wow!!! I need to wax erry dayum day and don't miss a day!!

do men really like women bald down there or with just a hint of hair?? anyways off topic

I think I look better straight on in photos..my profile view shows my double chin..I love my breasts, my hands and my lips. My hair has always been a pain cept in highschool I had the fly azz symetrical hair cut now I just keep it natural, no perms.

and wow do I need a haircut, i loook straight like don king when I wake up in the morning

..I cut my hair very short last august..and since then it grows faster and you can see my gray BIGTIME!!!! when it was long I never knew I had gray hair!!! and it seemed to never grow..go figure...

My butt is a size 8 but my belly is a size 14....naw lemme stop ... but really
I need a gut buster!!!!

I wish I had that runners attitude..ya know those people that can just get up every morning and walk or run . read: tiffy...I don't have it and never had it.

I looked my best and was most in shape 2 times in my life...The first time was in College I was a NCAA cheerleader so my body was TIGHT! I recorded every thing I ate and I was fit...I stayed a size 4 (not saying that is fit but it was fit for me) til I got married in 1997.

Then I got all comfy in my marriage started cooking and buying groceries like the stores were going out of business..I mean all the we did was EAT...next thing I know I'm a size 12...

so in

2004 I started going to a gym cuz I was just too lazy otherwise....I mostly did step aerobics, treadmill and light weights

I dropped down to a healty size 8..and I really loved how I looked but now I feel I'm sinking into that "lets eat everything in fridge in one day" mode....

I think once I settle into one job...I'm doing too many right now
and once I settle into a man...mind on the wrong one right now
then maybe I can settle into healthy eating habits and a workout that makes me happy!

or maybe I should flip it and reverse it??

driftin....

from day to day..in limbo
trying so many different things that aren't working out
so what do i desire?? what should I be focusing on?
my life used to have so much direction..or did it?

When i was younger my dream was to get married
and have kids and work a job I loved!

so i drifted from single status to marital
i got so settled and comfortable
then my partner drifted out
emotionally
so I switched my focus to a NEW dream

to own something ... in my name only
something I could nurture and make a success
Secure my/our future
sweat equity
drifted from housewife to business owner

when I look back on these things I don't remember
the challenge and the struggle I just remember I made it
happen, somehow, someway
my mind was clear
I knew exactly what I was doing

now i'm just confused
shakenwhats my next move??
i'm hope that this will also
look like a walk in the park on a sunny day
once I get on the other side and look back at it
but for now it seems every door
i get the courage to walk thru
and turn the knob and settle in
i end up finding an empty room

want to get out of this cycle
want to open the door and get thru
come out on top
but I'm scrambling
mind all over the place
cuz I just don't know where to start

driftin...

caller id

does distance really make the heart grow fonder
or does it makes the heart wander

i wonder if it gives you
too much time to think
or too many moments
that are weak

left to your own
resources
would you be naughty
or nice

act on every impulse??

have you ever done something
when you thought no one was looking??

i'm not talking about dancing nekkid
in the mirror?

sort of like a man leaving his wife
alone to take a cruise and
then she finds her soulmate
and never returns to him
been away too long
forgot what he meant to her

a life long cruise..
wow
who needs that??
do you want that

an escape from your life

is anyone ever 100%

who tells everything??
says everything??

do you really want to
know the whole truth

you can't handle the truth!!!

sometimes too much
is too much
I'd rather not know
like the news
don't wanna know
don't wanna see

rose colored glasses

gimme sum!

i wanna see the positive in everything
want you to see it too
optimistic view
if you don't get a job
maybe God's protecting you

you can't see everything
coming your way
you gotta wait for it
the unknown

you'll see...

"wait til your damn house get outta order..listening to folks...you'll see"

and that my folks is the QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!! LMAO!!

whew!!!

so I'm following orders and getting my shyt together MAN!

my big sitting home, working half time, eating and drinking everything in the fridge and pantry, playing all day with Tiffy just ain't cutting it no mo!!!

I'm back on the block, selling myself to the highest corporate bidder..
*sigh*
been out of the rat race for 8 years now as a business owner with my lil 3000 sq. ft of american pie, selling crafts to wealthy women with nothing on their to do list but track the memories of their lil ones..seems like a dream, was living a fantasy and now that shipped has sailed, run its course...the shop is closed and I need a refill of reality.

my plate is absolutely empty right now, on e...I need something....something...can't put my finger on it..

I coveted my career, the money, the title, my fan base, the accolades, the articles..hard to give that up and become the low man on the totem pole

hopefully it won't take me long, times a wastin.

When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
When she wants plenty, she gets plenty
then she gets plenty more, uhh

bypass surgery...

you know what my prayer was last night...

..heavenly father please give me a patient heart..
see I have NO PATIENCE at all..when I want it I want it ASAP and generally
...heck almost always I go after it or I just get it or I call the right folks
to help me get it or I call the man to just get it for me but I gets it!

the one thing I can't control is my heart..

Its filled with lots of clogged components and sometimes the oxygen barely makes it to my brain causing me to jump in the arms of those that I think will save me, protect me and ultimately rescue me.

I get lightheaded with loneliness and I think "all I need is a skilled surgeon"...he'll fix me so I don't wait, I just check myself in and let his anesthesia do the work putting me in a dreamy state that I hardly remember the important things in life. For the moment the pain is numb and I allow myself to be healed {but not completely}. He patches me up at first then he pulls me down a path that is destructible. Often times I find this out too late and its hard to get out of it which causes chest pains and soon I know I'll need to reroute my emotions and all these uncontrollable impluses before I die. I don't want to die in surgery.

Thats why I need a heart that will wait. One that doesn't mind the slow
ride to succes. One that won't be settling on "what's right in front of me" or "whats available to me now". It has to be patient.

A heart filled with desire and discipline, one that can enjoy and survive
the long journey to. A heart that won't faint from the intensity of something real.

I want a heart that won't get so full, a glutton for punishment
...that won't overdose on the tainted, will take its time to the impossible
and what's meant to be - my destiny.

A heart that won't break because it loves too hard..a heart that will
balance and pace itself, a gradual increase, hanging in there for the long haul
waiting for the right one that can push thru the blockage, detour and
lead me to the finish line.

This procedure takes patience and thats something I don't have.

out with the old gee....

I got a few emails:
wth??
what's wrong with your blog?
why am I getting jibberish?
what's with the links??

...I only responded to one person and this is what I said:
i'm in the process of deleting it,
and now blogger acting foolish,
hopefully it will be
completely deleted in a few days
I hope I don't lose anything
I had some good stuff on there
I haven't shared any of my writings
to anyone before and now and it felt good
however
(the old) geegee doesn't really fit into my real life
anymore..
I need to stop hiding behind her and
cultivate all the in real life relationships I have
that I've neglected or got bored with or
just didn't meet my expectations
I need to stop procrastinating and
finish some of the real things
I have on my plate..
figure out ways to accomplish
other goals I have in life
stop playing and lurking around blogland

I felt I was getting caught up in the lives of
of so many people I don't even know
putting all my energy into people
that didn't really know me
prolly wouldn't lend me some suger
if I needed it and are prolly
more attracted to what they
thought "gee gee" was than what
I really am, and I'm to blame
I get that
that old blog allowed me to
release a lot of creative (and sexual) tension
I had inside and it taught me a lot
about myself and what I wanted
it also made
me realize I have a lot in real life
people and things, that I need to focus on.

and the lurkers? anons??
what are they hiding?? what am I hiding?
what are we all searching for?
something that we aren't getting
in our real lives??
why look here?? for what??

a creative outlet??
an audence??
attention??
new friends??
new lovers??

I just started to question why I was blogging and it just wasn't enough anymore.


-------------------

so I'm changing my direction..don't know what or how yet but i'll be back.