i'm writing...again

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Sum of a Man...

Naturally when I'm single I daydream of lovers past and MAN! I've loved some beautiful men in my life, and I miss a little part of each of them.
I'm thinking right now...wouldn't it be nice to have them all in one man RIGHT NOW!!
Let's seee...
there was my protector, the writer..man his words would flow like liquid. Instant panty dropper! Not only that he was such a great spiritural advisor and counselor to me, I would cry on his shoulders for hours and he'd always have a solution. and when our time was up he fought for me over and over again. Sweet Temptation should be his nickname because our lovemaking was the best ever..so magnetic and everytime was a good time..orgasms after orgasms for days and nights at a time over and over again. we didn't have any reservations at all and we tried everything. (almost)
I don't think any other man would say I was as a great a lover as I was with him. He was a Sag..he was great with money and I was his student!

then there was the sweet as honey one. He was also my twin, my mirror..i saw the good and bad in me, in him. We had a lot of fun together. Damn he smelled good!
he was always with the "hey sweetie, hey baby" which I loved because I never had that before...The thing I love about him was that he was just so NICE..too nice almost. But at the time I need that we had similar personalities so we GOT each other. I needed affection and love and he gave me that.
he was so even keel and hardly even raised his voice. We didn't argue much and he didnt' start fights.. He didn't show his emotions at all really. But I miss that I could snuggle against him and feel so relaxed and warm in my heart..a truly great love.

oh there was the young clever one, from my home town, my crush, that showed me how great it feels to please someone...our fling didn't last long and we didn't see each other often but when we did I felt like I pleased him and left him satisfied. It pleased me to be around him and show him just how much I wanted him. He was the biggest flirt and I always felt wanted. I wasn't unselfish with him at all. Always the giver. He was a great writer also and I loved reading his words. He was also a music lover like me. Now that I think about it we did have a lot in common. It didn't go beyond a friends/fling/crush tho ..wasn't meant to be anything more than that. *sigh*

Then there was the virgo, my husband and best friend, a great father but ended up as a horrible husband in the end. However, we were great business partners and he had great ambition and drive. We started so many businesses and wrote so many plans for the future. We could dream up anything and make it happen. He is always hustling in his career and I still admire him that about him. I can never call him lazy thats for sure.

I often think of the guy that was such a great dancer that I would walk away from him trembling. I often think of the guy that was so spontaneous we'd just jump up and go. I didn't have to worry about anything he'd take care of all the details. I think of the guy that loved to travel and we had many adventures together. I sometimes think of the body builder that had the best body was the most healthiest of them all. We had great workouts together.
All come and gone...but they've all made me realize sometimes I truly want and never knew I wanted them.

I want a great lover, full of wisdom, thats healthy, that has a way with words, is ambitious, smart, loving, kind, tall, dark and handsome, is a go getter, a great lover ( did I say that), creative, loves music, is patient with us, has faith in us, protects me at all times and loves me for me..quirks and all...I am a gemini so there are many quirks! and I want all of this to come naturally!

I want the sum of all the men that have touched a little part of my life and captured a space in my heart.

Is that too much to ask??

slowly, surely...

If he never lifts his hands to meet my touch
If he never stretches his arm to meet my hugs
If he never leans in to meet my kiss
If his outsides never meet my insides

does he ever really feel me?


"i just don't know, where i should go, so, slowly, surely, I walk away from love"

Mal(e) Nutrition...

He keeps me waiting...
on his call,
on his words,
on his smile,
on his kiss...on my lips
He keeps me wanting....
his touch
his tongue
his arms
his hands...on my hips

my insides (and outsides)
are in a constant state
of not having enough
longing, always hungry
my heart wants to be full
overflowing
and running over, satisfied


"I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees"

Peeling the Bandaid...

I'm finding that letting go is actually a science and takes months, sometimes years of practice (and patience).

You can either do it quickly without ever looking back like I did successfully when my marriage ended a few years ago or you can do it slowly and painfully like a rollercoaster ride going thru ups and downs, jerks and turns, highs and lows until finally the bandaid just falls off unexpectedly because of the dirt, pain, sweat and tears. Suddenly it just lifts off and you realize you've finally let go.

Breathe. Its sad but it will be okay but you first have to go through a series of feelings and emotions before you can appreciate the experience.

Stage 1: First you feel like WHEW! I've made a decision! Its been a long time coming. I must put an end to this!! You feel a since of relief like a weight has been lifted. You feel like your life will be 10x better once this chapter in your book is closed. You are better off!! You will now grow and make some moves and be great!!

Stage 2: After a few weeks after the connection has been broken you start to miss the very thing you tried to separate yourself from. You try filling the void with everything you know how. Nothing seems to work!
You start to second guess your decision thinking you've made a mistake.
You may even revisit those feelings again and try to ignite them again. You go back and forth "should I", "Maybe not"? The situation quickly turns STICKY! Just like a bandaid, you take it off to see if its healed, then you put it back on to see if its gone away, then you pick at it seeing if you feel anything, then you close it back up.

Stage 3: It starts to hurt. You may even cry over your lost. The medicine has worn off. You keep trying to remind yourself the reasons you wanted to move on in the first place. Aren't you happier now?? This is the most crucial stage. You have to fight through this. This is the crucial time when infection may occur like guilt and resentment because you couldn't make it last.

Stage 4: You start to look for a temporary fix. You can't stand the pain anymore so you go back into the fire. It could give you that false sense of security that everything is gonna be alright. It could even be magical. But in reality it may just be a long drawn out goodbye kiss. Is it worth it??

Stage 5: The time and space in which you connect (kiss goodbye) get farther apart and more infrequent. And time away is the only thing that lifts the bandaid. You have to actually leave it alone. Do not revisit it, do not scratch it and then finally it pulls away and you realized you've finally moved on and let go.

You still may have a scar but thats just a reminder of what once was. Smile when you see it....no tears.

get me bodied....

Week 4 of full court press in the gym...and I'm in a groove!

I'm really seeing a difference..mainly in my arms and legs..I need to get more concentrated on my mid section!

I've been doing 5 days a week so far and its hard on my injured knee but I can feel it getting stronger and not as fatigued as it used to get..

so my schedule has been :
1 day with coach on the circuit weights
1 day cardio kickboxing
1 day of zumba (dance)
1 day weights and step interval
1 day of Power Pump (weights with bar, ball, and other props I'm so uncoordinated with)

Of course I mix this up, can't do the same thing everyday!

So far this works out for me and what I'm trying to do.

My goal is not to get thin but to get toned and lean and lose my TUMMY!

The thing is the more I work out the more I want to eat and YOU can not eat everything in sight just because you are working out! Its tempting but DON't do it!!!

I've tried to eliminate rice and other white enemies but its soooooooooooo hard.

Also my HAIR is becoming a problem...washing it almost everyday its getting old. and because I wash it everyday I gotta color it more...the grays have taken over.
I'm trying to not let this discourage me but it is a pain in my ASS.


I hope I can keep all this up once I find a job. Or maybe I'll just become a permanent stay at home mom that watches the soaps and hits the gym religiously!!

nah..can't afford to and I'd go stir crazy!!!

In the meantime (and between time) I'm handing in there, watching what I eat and taking tons of before and after photos but most of them are half naked so I can't post here..

but here's one of me taken last week


check those arms yo! no underarm FLAB baby!!


"there goes my babyyyyyy...."

Difficult Men...Don't make it easy for them!!

All weekend I've been reading this book I got from the library for 25cents!
Check it!
Dealing with Difficult Men by Judith Segal, Ph.D.

I thought it would be cheesy and bought it more for the shits and giggles of it all (and the price) because I really don't have difficult men in my life except if you count my ex husband. :/

Its not the typical "hate on men" type of book - its more, how to deal with difficult men "effectively and in doing so allow yourself to appreciate and really enjoy the 'good' ones".
Neat huh??
"Dealing with stressed, confused, manipulative, and in some cases, seemingly unconscious men takes skill, knowledge , experience and resilience."

The author first describes the Difficult men categories.

She says " difficult men seem to have 3 characteristics in common"

1) They either hide opinions, feelings, or they push them on you in a not so clear, direct, open or honest way;
2) They either totally withhold their feelings, totally unaware that they have feelings or they blast their feelings in an out of control way - 'emotional Neanderthals' she calls them;
Or
3)They either control you with their passive behavior or they are bluntly aggressive and show signs of being control freaks.
ding, ding, ding...That's my ex...:/

And this is all in Introduction...

The book then continues with:
The Dealing with Difficult Men plan.

I love it!!
So with my blue highlighter in hand I cozied up to see what I could learn.

And of course I had to share. This will be a series because the books has 7
inspiring chapters!

Chapter 1) Men are difficult and we allow it. (with sections like "Men like it This Way and "are you a difficult-man magnet")
2) The Lineup. Talks about all the diff types of men (with sections like "the powermongers, the admiration hounds, the nurture needers and about 10 other different types)
3) The Party Is Over (with "Choose to be on top for yourself" and "Power is not a four letter word")
4) Skills for Thriving. (Putting it all together : Problem Solving)
5) Conflict Savvy. When to speak up and when to clam up
6) Coping with Negative Reactions. How to deal with testing.
7) Get used to success!!

Whew!!!
Rolling up my sleeves!

Tell me....
What's the ratio of frogs to princes in your life??